Goodbye To All That

"heading for the Winter trip, heading for the slide,
  heading for the dignified walk away,
  heading for the open road, goodbye to all that..."

'Goodbye To All That' is my final blog of 2011.
After writing and posting three blogs last week, which rather contradicted my previous mantra of 'less-is-more', I feel it's time to kick back and relax in anticpation of the oncoming festive season.
Then come the New Year all my efforts will be concentrated around the charity event next April, when myself and three colleagues from work will endeavour to walk the entire length of The South Downs Way in aid of Cancer Research UK.

I can't sign off my blog for the year without commenting on the sad loss of Gary Speed.
As a life-long fan of Leeds United, he will forever be remembered fondly as part of the magnificent Championship winning midfield alongside David Batty, Gary McAllister, and Gordon Strachan.
His death has affected me as it brings back terrible memories of when I was the same age, and I nearly ended it all too. Despite everything appearing rosey and happy from the outside looking in, it just goes to show you that you never really know what's going on inside someone's mind ~ R.I.P Gary Speed.

This coming weekend I'm lucky enough to be taking an extended break into the following week, as I'm off on the Monday and the Tuesday. I'm looking forward to a mini-break, relaxing myself before the inevitable Christmas rush!
On the Monday I'm travelling up to Berkshire to visit my great friend Elona, and see her new-born son for the first time. I should have been remaining up there for the Tuesday too, as I was due to be in court...not for anything that I've done you must understand; but to offer some moral support for a dear friend in a messy divorce/custody battle. Alas, my services are no longer required, not then or not any more full-stop.
So instead I hope to go on another trek (weather permitting), either on a circuit around Pagham Harbour starting and ending at Selsey's East Beach, or maybe I'll travel upto Arundel and complete a route around Arundel Park and South Stoke.

2011 has been an interesting year personally speaking.
I finally managed to consolidate my debts and sort out my finances after over two years of wrangling with the banks, and I dealt with a worrying health issue which I'm pleased to report is now under complete control.
But without doubt the highlight throughout my year was catching up with various friends who I hadn't seen for some time. Like all true friends, the time lapsed between previous meetings mattered not a jot ~ as soon as I saw them it was like I last saw them yesterday ~ I am a lucky man to have such good friends in my life.

All that's been missing, and remains so, is a bit of romance and some lovin'...but we'll just have to see what 2012 brings?
Until next time and the New Year I wish all my avid readers well, and thank you for your continual support.
I remain contactable through your comments on this blog, or by posting on Facebook, or you can always contact me via my e-mail address: stevemuskett@yahoo.com

Ramblin' Steve

Thank You Whoever You Are

"What a time this is, everything changing faster than the eye can blink,
 faster than we can stop and think,
 What will the future hold? Well whatever...
 I won't ask you to care, but say you'll be there,
 If you can't love me tonight just remember the light, remember the light,
Thank you whoever you are..."

I will never apologise for borrowing lines from films or using music lyrics to open my blogs...and today is no exception. Usually a particular line or lyric puts a seed of thought into my head, which then allows me to expand them into a subject matter close to my heart ~ either that or I go off on a tangent elsewhere entirely!
(Incidentally, the reference to the London Buses photo will be explained later).

The specific words linked within this blog make me think of happy moments shared with some special ladies from my past ~ but as I always say I believe in the code that 'gentlemen never kiss-and-tell'.
They also remind me that I am currently alone, although that doesn't mean that I'm neccesarily lonely.
But the sweet memories will live with me forever, and I can't complain for this old man has done pretty good!

Like I said in my most recent blogs, maybe I could be entitled to feel sorry for myself or wallow in self-pity after yet another failed romance, but what good would that do?
I could easily have become bitter over my failed relationships with women, especially after a turbulent 10 year nightmare with one particular psycho ex-girlfreind ~ but yet...

...but yet the simple truth is that I love women, and rather than feeling bitter I like to believe that good fortune & true love will shine on me one day ~ after all I am a hopeless romantic!
I also suffer from what I affectionately call 'The London Buses Syndrome' ~ which is where I experience a rather barren lovelife for a while, and then two ladies come along at once. This also explains my thought processes, which is why this is my third blog this week!
I guess I really am an 'all-or-nothing' kind of guy!

So it is with much gratitude, love and affection that I say: 'Thank You Whoever You Are'.

Ramblin' Steve

I Must've Done Something Right...

"As a young dumb full of it lad you were a great influence and mentor to me in my first ever job and I thank you mate..."

The above words were sent to me on Monday from an old work colleague, who I haven't seen or heard of for over 15 years. It came completely out of the blue, but did fill me with a certain sense of pride ~ it's good to know that after all of these years that maybe, just maybe, I've been doing something right!
This was back in my retail management days, where I enjoyed employment in the music industry, working with some great people who found job satisfaction easy to come by within that particular environment.
But above all his comments restored my faith in knowing that my style of dealing with people actually works.

Going right back to the very first blog I wrote last year, I mentioned that a close friend kindly refers to me as her 'Goodness Guru'. Well, I wouldn't neccesarily go that far, but if by listening, offering support, and generally just being there for someone in need, with the odd words of wisdom thrown in occassionally for good measure, then again maybe, just maybe, I'm on the right track.

I'm certainly no wise old philosopher; I'm simply a man trying to live a simple life.
I never seem to go to extremes; I'm very rarely overly ecstatic; nor am I rarely totally depressed...although I've had my moments experiencing both sensations when persuing a rather hedonistic lifestyle for a while a few years back!
I like to think it's this steady persona, character, and demeanour that I seem to project, along with a calming influence, which appeals to those apparantly drawn to me like a magnet in need of advice or inspiration.
I do know that I possess a spirituality within me, and a non-judgemental attitude to everyone. There are certain buddhist principles or beliefs which resonate with me too, but I think that's the full extent of my 'goodness guruness'.

As recommended to me by my kiwi friend, Ange, I've recently started reading 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne, which basic message centres around positive thinking, and attracting what it is that you actually wish for. Like I said in my last blog, 'Much To Be Thankful For', I do try to remain upbeat and positive at all times, and maybe, just maybe, it's this outlook that draws people to me in need of support or advice?
Whatever it is I do know one thing...I'm too old to change my ways now!
All I can do is strive to retain a sense of being humble and grateful for everything in my life...and I've got my friends to help me with this ~ so thank you one & all.

Take care, be happy, have fun, and keep smilin' :)

Ramblin' Steve

Much To Be Thankful For

"Happiness, more or less, it's just a change in me, something in my liberty..."

Rather than being down in the dumps over recent events, I can honestly say that I'm feeling forever hopeful and optimistic about life in general. I know full well that there are plenty of those far worse off than myself, so I actually feel quite blessed and content with my life.

I have my health, now fully restored from the oesophagus & chest lining damage previously caused;
I have a roof over my head, thanks to my lovely flatmates Josie & Glen;
I have a job which although doesn't pay me a kings ransom, does give me enough to live a simple life;
I have finally consolidated my debts and my finances are at least now on an even keel;

...but most of all I have absolutely the best friends & family in the world!!!

As I previously wrote in a recent blog, I visited two of my old haunts in Somerset & Gloucestershire last weekend. I was overwhelmed with how relaxed and comfortable I felt being back in my old local pub in the village of Batheaston, and enjoying a few pints with some of the regulars. A big thumb-up goes to Posty Dave for his hospitality as always. Prior to that I caught up with a great friend in Tracey, and I met her lovely young daughter and her fella for the first time.
This was followed by a relaxing weekend spent in Cheltenham in the company of Jimi & Denn, and their two lovely boys, where they took great care of me like they always do.

Also hopefully before Christmas I hope to catch up with Posty Dave's daughter, Jo in London where she's now working. She continually keeps in touch no matter where either one of us live, and I've alsways promised her father that I'd try to keep an eye on her. She recently graduated at Winchester University and she is now working in a capacity linked with next years London Olympics, and I'm proud of her for both of these achievements.

My ever loving and supportive family were there for me like Jimi & Denn, when I was at my lowest and they know that I'll forever be grateful to my parents, sisters and niece for that.
But I could never forget my other 'family' in Ireland ~ Glenn, Ruth, and 'Rose, as well as my other friends such as the Quigley clan and Big Fitz.
I don't get the chance to visit Ireland as regularly as I'd like, but they know that they remain in my thoughts.
Hopefully next Spring once I've completed my charity event I can fly over for a long weekend and a few jars with the lads!

Of course there are also my work mates, but there are far too many to single out and I wouldn't want to embarrass them all either!
But a special mention must go to Curph & his good lady wife, Leah, for literally dragging me back out into enjoying a social life once again, after living a rather hermit-life existence for too long.
Also, my supervisor Nicky deserves a nod of recognition too ~ for her use of industrial language not normally befitting such a lady, yet remarkable spoken with a sense of innocence ~ she never fails to make me laugh, as it's not loud enough for all to hear, but audible to me as I sit right next to her! Lol.
We also share an affinity with Berkshire due mutual past dwellings, which nicely ties in with another special person who forever remains in my thoughts.

Early next month I shall be returning to Berkshire to catch up with another treasured friend, Elona, and a first chance to see her new born son (both pictured) ~ I have known Elona for over eleven years now, and it always amazes me that wherever I go or end up, she always keeps in touch ~ this is sometthing that I will always be extremely appreciative of and I value her friendship as priceless.

And last, but definitely not least is my Kiwi mate in Christchurch, Angela ~ also now known as the "Stop/Go" girl, or TWL (tiny wee lady), but she'll always be just 'hunny' to me! Lol.
It took me 41 years to realise a dream of visiting New Zealand and travel to the other side of the world...but when I finally achieved this ambition I felt totally content with life; a feeling that was enhanced further in the knowledge that I'd made a life-long friend.

So you see that I have much to be thankful for.
As a firm believer in the theory that you have to experience the bad things in life to fully appreciate the good things in return, I can say that I have a happy & blessed life ~ thanks one & all ♥ ♥ ♥

Ramblin' Steve

Rites of Passage

As a brief postscript to my previous blog, 'Live In The Moment', I can now confirm that my proposal was rejected, and that special lady in my life doesn't wish me to relocate, as she has all the love & moral support she needs from her immediate family. She continues her brave battle with terminal cancer, but has politely asked me to move on with my life, as she can't make the neccesary commitment to our relationship.
She knows she'll never lose me, and that I shall respect her wishes.

I have no regrets as I know that I couldn't have done any more to try to make things work for the both of us, and I remain upbeat and optimistic as any 'hopeless romantic' would, for I also know that I will always be 'Mr Happy Go Lucky'. At least now I can move on with my life after patiently waiting whilst being supportive and understanding for two years...it's a case of onwards & upwards for me!

"with this rite of passage I reclaim my heart,
 I take my leave, as if on cue, I play no further part in your self-penned dramas,
 where each stolen kiss just goes to prove that happy endings don't exist..."

Although my charity event next year for Cancer Research UK was initially with this special and brave lady in mind, this personal setback doesn't affect my plans, and I'm determined to succeed in my efforts to raise funds for this worthy cause.
Three becomes four...I'm also pleased to announce that Jon Oakley will now be joining Curph, Ross and myself on our quest next April, so things are looking verp promising!

Ramblin' Steve

Live In The Moment

"choose life, choose living, go digging for essence,
 Live in the moment or you'll never be free..."

After enjoying a wonderful weekend away catching up with some very special friends back in two of my old haunts, Batheaston & Cheltenham, I've come to realise two things:
Life's too short, and it's now or never!

Bearing in mind a certain lovely lady in my life is living on borrowed time, and the fact that 'home is where the heart is', I've made one final attempt (hopefully not in vain) to make myself available to relocate (once again) to be with this woman, in order for us to share what time she has left together.
To move location and commute to work is a small sacrifice to make in my opinion, if it means we can finally be together after patiently waiting for two years. There is now no reason why this can't happen if she really wants it as badly as I do...but by making this proposal I realise it's 'shit-or-bust' time!
I've stressed that my proposal is not out of desperation, or pity, or guilt, but rather it's borne out of love, hope, and genuine affection.

I like to think that we've been given a second chance and it's high time we grabbed this opportunity with both hands, rather than continually skirting around the issue or hiding behind impracticalities or problems, which I believe can be conquered if we both really want it badly enough, because I know that we can make it happen.

Spending quality time with special people who feature heavily in happy memories from my past, makes me want to create many more happy memories in the present, and really live for the moment.

" Yesterday is history; Tomorrow is a mystery; Today is a gift...that's why it's called the Present".

Ramblin' Steve

A Trip Back Home To The West Country

"this train is my life ~ sleeping towns joined together by the steel of the rails,
 parallel lines ~ parallel lives..."

At the end of this week I head off rather excitedly on a train journey to visit friends in Batheaston & Cheltenham, as I treat myself to a well deserved long weekend away. Part of my past will always remain with me, and these two places will forever hold a place in my heart. Some of my previous blogs concerning my journey to find a place that I can call 'home', fondly recall Somerset & South Gloucestershire, as although I've moved around quite a lot during the past thirteen or so years, I did actually spend the best part of 50% of this time in Batheaston, Bradley Stoke (a suburb of Bristol) & Cheltenham.

I probably came closest to finding my 'true home' whilst living in a lovely little village just outside Bath, as I rented a very quaint apartment which was full of character which overlooked the countryside, and I enjoyed an active social life sharing some special times with great friends, including the odd romance or two!
Then after living around the Bristol area for a couple years, I leased a gorgeous batchelor pad in an exclusive area of Cheltenham, where I was extremely happy.

Never say never ~ who knows, maybe one day I'll return on a permanent basis?
It's no point having regrets in life, but in hindsight I can admit that I left Cheltenham far too early, and if I had my time again I would've stayed there indefinitely.
This isn't to say that I'm not happy now living back on the south-coast, but some of my dearest friends remain back west, and I am so thrilled to be returning if only for a weekend.
Specifically, I'm looking forward to catching up with my lovely friend, Trace and her family, for a cuppa and catch up in Batheaston, followed by an old drinking buddy, Posty Dave, for a few pints of guinness in The George & Dragon a little later on.
Then I'll travel on to Cheltenham to catch up with my 'life-saving' friends (please see previous blogs) Jimi & Denn, and their two gorgeous boys for the rest of the weekend.

Having experienced a couple of lazy weekends recently, and with the trip to the west country to come this weekend, I felt it was essential to get some miles under my belt in the weekend just gone, as I continue my training for my charity trek next year.
So despite the forecast of pouring rain, I walked to and back from Bognor Regis to see my family on the Saturday, fortunately avoiding any bad weather ~ "there's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes" ~ before venturing to Kingley Vale, where I happily rambled around the woods yesterday.
The charity event remains on course for next April. Some of the accomodation has already been booked, and both my employer, Mercer, and Cancer Research UK have been prompting me with ideas for sponsorship and advertising...I'm quietly confident that the event will be a qualified success!

Ramblin' Steve

A Rare Anniversary

"home is where the heart lies...but if the heart lies where is home?"

Following on from my birthday last week I have to cause to celebrate another event.

Halloween & October 31st marks a very rare anniversary for me...for the first time since leaving a previous home in Bristol in May 2008, I will have spent an entire calendar year living in the same place!
A big thank you goes to my flatmate Josie (pictured) for allowing me the opportunity to live in Chichester, and enjoy a better quality of life due to cheaper rent, no travel expenses, the friendly company of her boyfriend (Glen) & her two gorgeous cats (MowMow & JiJi), and the nearby use of her lovely Mum's (Camilla) pub, The Chequers!

Since moving on from Bristol, I've spent seven months in Cheltenham; two months travelling around New Zealand; eight months in Crowthorne; seven months back 'home' at my parents house, followed by another seven months in a seperate house share in Bognor Regis!
All of my change of locations have been discussed at length in my previous series of blogs entitled,
'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home', which I started writing last November and signed off as 'Nomadic Steve' in March of this year ~ please find the link attached to these blogs if you're interested:

http://aspiritualjourneytofindahome.blogspot.com/


Whether or not I see out a second full calendar year at Josie's remains to be seen, as I can always see myself moving on once again. But I have been extremely happy sharing a flat with her, and I love working in this great cathedral city in the south of England.

November 9th also marks another significant anniversary ~ my second year completed at my current employer. Work has been the one thing providing me stability in recent months, so a big thank you goes to Mercer.
An even bigger THANK YOU goes to my work mates for keeping me grounded, for providing me with a social life once again, for constantly making me laugh, and for not allowing me to take myself too seriously!

Ramblin' Steve

Keeping Myself Busy

"I'm not much of a man, but I know how I am,
 I know this won't fade away, I will pretend and be strong
 but I wonder where I belong..."

As it currently stands at the time of writing this blog, I remain in the dark conerning the full extent of the situation concerning someone special in my life, and the ongoing battle with her health, but I do know that she's fighting on and making the appropriate plans for her immediate future should the worse happen sooner rather than later. The welfare of her children is obviously of paramount importance, with their grandparents set to provide legal guardianship which is to be written into her will once this has been contested in court in the coming months. I am also being respectful of her wishes by giving her the space she requires as she comes to terms with her situation.
It breaks my heart not knowing exactly what's going on, but all I can do is remain as supportive as I can from afar whilst trying to carry on with everyday life. She insists on me not putting my life on hold and moving on with things, even including encouraging me to meet someone else, but as anyone who knows me well will no doubt testify, letting go is never easy for me to do.

"It's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know..."

So although I'm sick with worry I'm striving to remain as upbeat as possible, and I've started reading 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne, as recommended by my lovely kiwi mate, Angela Paul, to help keep my spirits up and promote positive thoughts.
Because of the uncertain future, all I can do is throw myself into work and into organising my sponsored charity event and keep myself as busy as possible.
A brief update on the progress of the charity walk along The South Downs Way in aid of Cancer Research UK next year is as follows:

Plans are progressing nicely for the event which is due to start from Winchester on April 23rd and end in Eastbourne on April 27th, and everything is coming steadily together.
The B&B's chosen for the overnight accomodation have now been contacted, as has the National Trail Officer for The South Downs Way commitee.
There have been a couple of snags concerning the chosen accomodation, resulting in the third stage needing to be 'tweaked' a little bit. The venue recommended in Fulking is currently being sold and is unlikely to remain a guest house, so the best option is to increase the third day by three miles to enable us to stay in nearby Pyecombe. Also the intended accomodation in Buriton will be closed next April, as it's located on a farm who will be in the middle of the lambing season when we're due to pass through the village. Therefore, alternative accomodation is being sought out.
Cancer Research UK remain very supportive and keep in regular touch, prompting and encouraging me all the time.
At work, e-mails to my colleagues appear on a monthly basis and the local 'Bulletin Board' representative has been informed of the event, and she has promised to help maximise the publicity.

I hate to say it, but with Christmas now just around the corner I shall keep my updates to the bare minimum until the New Year, when my campaign will then gather momentum once again.
No doubt everybody's thoughts (and money) will be understandably focused elsewhere, so I shall wait until January to really drive the sponsorship requests and to really test your patience with my demands! Lol.
In all seriousness however, nowadays it seems everybody knows somebody effected in some way or other by cancer, so I won't apologise for promoting my charity walk next April as I'm sure you can appreciate that my efforts are worthy of a very good cause.

Thanks in advance for all your continual support.

Ramblin' Steve

Nurse Joke

"A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a 'rectal' thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller...and without missing a beat, she says:

"Well, that's great...that's just great .... Some asshole's got my pen!!"

This was provided by Gerardine Quigley, one of my many friends from Ireland that I miss so much, and is very respectably dedicated to all the wonderful nurses and staff who do such a fantastic job.
I attended hospital myself not that long ago, and the staff were unbelievably helpful and patient.
Likewise, I know of someone special who is regularly receiving treatment, and she can't speak highly enough of their kindness.

I guess I'm at the mercy of the expertise and skill of these doctors and nurses, as they try to treat and heal (where possible), or least prolong the health of my close friend, as they strive to find some sort of miracle to sustain her precious life.
At the other end of the scale, there are those fantastic nusres and mid-wives who help to bring new life into this world.
I know of three nurses personally, and they are all lovely ladies so if you're reading this take a bow because you are very special indeed!

Ramblin' Steve

Sweet Ocean Cloud

"I've seen too much of life, so the sea is my wife
 and a sweet Ocean Cloud is a mistress I'm allowed..."

I recently discovered the above words and they are sentiments that I can identify with, especially with regards to my current existence. I then thought about a line from my favourite film that featured the quote that the ocean has no memory...and I like the idea of that.
The picture accompanying this blog was actually taken by myself, whilst out on the magical Milford Sound in New Zealand as we made our way out to The Tasman Sea.
The views were like the rest of the breathtaking scenery in New Zealand...you have to witness them for yourself to fully appreciate them as pictures can't ever truly do the experience justice.

I was always extremely happy when travelling around this wonderful island, especially when I remained within touching distance of the sea whilst on the coast, or nearby to the great lakes when I was further inland. It got me thinking about my future plans, hopes and dreams.
As much as I wish them to feature a special lady for many years to come I also know that this may well prove to be tragically unrealistic. But I would be the happiest man alive if she could grant me my wish, even if it was only for a few years...I firmly believe in quality not quantity, and I'd rather spend a few treasured, if limited moments with her than not share any at all...time will definitely tell?

So further on down the road, this ramblin' man must look to the longer term future.
It seems that I've always been unlucky in love, but rather than feel sorry for myself I actually feel quite blessed to have shared some magic moments with some very special ladies in my life.
As the words below indicate, the years may have been unkind, but they've been kind enough...and I'm actually quite a tough cookie despite appearing to be a big softie!

"I have seen too much of life, and there's no going back as the loneliness calls me.
There's an edge which must be sharpened, although I know that I'm losing it.
But there's a fighter in my mind and my body's tough; the years may have been unkind, but they've been kind enough..."

In just over four years time I shall be completely free of any debts, and what little I own or earn will at least be all mine. A few more years hard graft with the intention of saving as much as possible should help to realise another dream of mine. A third trip to the fantastic New Zealand, and then I'll look to take an early retirement and live off my small company pensions accumilated from various employers over the years, as after all it'll only be a further seven years away if I look to stop working at fifty-five, and I shouldn't have many overheads or financial commitments to concern me.
I'd like to buy a small place by the sea somewhere, own it outright if possible, and then spend my remaining days living out the simplistic, quiet and peaceful life that I've always strived to achieve.
Alternatively, I may even purchase a mobile home if neccesary, as the nomadic lifestyle of my past has served me well so the idea of travelling around definitely appeals.

Well, a man can dream...

Ramblin' Steve

...And Then There Were Three

'...And Then There Were Three' isn't a reference to a dodgy seventies Genesis album post Peter Gabriel, but a statement in relation to my future charity walk event next April along The South Downs Way.

Two of my work colleagues, Mr Alan 'Curph' Curphey and Mr Ross Chapman have very kindly volunteered to join me on my trek, and our mutual employer has also agreed to match their respective donations upto a value of £300, as well as those that I raise myself.
I'm sure their support will be of a great benefit to me, and I'm sure the three of us will have some fun along the way too.

With regards to an update of my fundraising efforts, as well as contacting Cancer Research UK about Curph & Ross, I have begun securing and sourcing additional promotional materials. Fundraising T-shirts will be produced, as well as other possible items which may be available nearer the time.
I have begun to contact potential B&B's and guest houses in anticipation for our intended overnight stays, although as it's still quite a way off nothing will be confirmed just yet.

For those of you not fully aware of the event, we shall be walking the entire length of the South Downs Way from Winchester to Eastbourne (total distance of 100 miles) which we intend to cover in only five days between 23rd & 27th April 2012.
The provisional plan is that we will be staying overnight in Buriton, Amberley, Fulking, and Rodmell, as well as enjoying the hospitality of local villages for our essential pub lunches along the way...now that I've got some company this is a definite pre-requiste of the lads agreeing to join me! Lol.
Our trek will then conclude by the seaside at Eastbourne and we hope to enjoy a much deserved celebration over the weekend!

Please find attached the link to my 'Just Giving' page should anyone wish to make a donation, but like I've repeatedly said as it's quite a time away I wouldn't expect much activity as yet.
Hopefully, Curph & Ross will have their own pages set up imminently too.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

On the 'Ramblin' Man!' blog there are previous entries which can viewed by following the links on the right-hand side (under Archive), and please feel free to either add any comments, or contact me via my e-mail address:

stevemuskett@yahho.com

Until next time, take it steady and be safe.

Ramblin' Steve

Less Is More

"we stare at our screen all our lives, what a waste of eyes
 'til the electrical storm blows our fuses... "

I guess the above lyrics are rather contradictory or ironic, when you consider that you must be looking at screen to read them in the first place!
But the essence of my message with this blog is clear:
less is more, and quality not quantity really counts.

I have recently become all to aware that sometimes we can say too much. Then the impact of what may actually be relevant can be lost. Specifically, I know that I can send too many meaningless text messages, facebook messages or similar, when I should concentrate on only saying what is truly required.
I was brought up in the belief that you only speak when you've got something important to say, and not to talk just for the sake of talking. I'm also fully aware that I've been around too many people in my time who like the sound of their own voice too much. This can also be transferred in these modern times with IMs, Facebook posts, tweets and the like.

So moving forward I am going to attempt to restrict my messaging to only those which need to be said, and try to remain diplomatically silent where appropriate.
All those people close to me know that I am forever here for them, and would always do whatever I can to help, but it's high time I took some of their advice and wait for them to come to me, rather than instigate the conversations.
Bearing this in mind, I also know that I can care too much sometimes, and that my heartfelt sentiments can become overwhelming at times. I am a deep thinker too, but I must learn to keep my thoughts to myself.

Due to a tough few years I can quite understandably feel a bit insecure or sensitive at times.
I may display an outwardly bright and bubbly demeanour, but sometimes inside I can feel very confused and conflicted. I'm learning to come to terms with these senses, and despite feeling rather lonely and dejected on occassions I know I must continue to put on a brave face and look to the future.

So apologies to all those who I may have inadvertedly contacted too much of late ~ it's just my caring nature working overtime, which I shall endeavour to curb from now on.
I shall restrict my blogs, text's and facebook messages to say what's important and nothing else!
My next blog will feature an update on the fundraising activity for Cancer Research UK, so until then be safe, have fun and take care.

Ramblin' Steve

Nothing But A Child

"Nothing but a child could wash those tears away
 or guide a weary world into the light of day
 and nothing but a child could help erase those miles
 so once again we all can be children for a while..."

As a departure from all the fundraising activity, as promised I'm going to be alternating my blogs between the charity event updates and other topics, which I hope may be of interest and that you can enjoy reading.
Todays blog concerns two things which forever give me hope ~ women & children.
The one thing that researching cancer has shown me is that for every person struggling with their own personal battle, there is also a devoted network of supporting friends and family.
Sometimes, it is the strength that sufferers can drawn upon from their young children that can give them the added will to fight, and gives them something to live for.

Specifically for me, I know of a special lady who fights the good fight from day-to-day, and she does this primarily for the sake of her two lovely, gorgeous girls. If it wasn't for them maybe she'd give up her fight.
But she knows that every moment shared is so precious and has to be treasured.
On the flip side of that coin unfortunately is the knowledge that not every mother has this 'fight' within them.
The nearest that I've ever come to being a father is when I looked after my friends little girl for about a year when she was only four. So it is with some regret that I recently learned that my friend had taken her own life, which is so sad...I really like to believe that no matter how hard life gets, if you've got a child to live for then the future will always shine a positive light.

A very good friend of mine (Elona) has just given birth to a gorgeous baby boy (Zak), and I am so thrilled for her.
Likewise, an ex-girlfriend of mine (Tracey) who always wished for a child but it just wasn't meant to be for us at the time when we were together, now has a precious little girl in her life (Izzy), and another one on the way!
Then there's my ex-boss (Lucy) who left a certain company around the same time as me three years ago ~ she left to have a beautiful girl (Ruby), and I left to go off travelling around New Zealand...where doe the time go?
And I could never forget my great mates in Cheltenham (Jimi & Denn) and their wonderful boys (Marshall & Ossie)...I'll be seeing you again soon I promise!
Having kids completely changes your life and puts everything into a different perspective.
Now you could say how would I know, but believe me I do.

I may be fast approaching 44, definitely mid-life for a man, but I'm not in a crisis! Lol.
I never give up hope, and whether it's kids of my own or being a father to somebody else's children, I like to think I can be a dad...time will tell, I guess?
I'll leave you with further lyrics from Steve Earle which perfectly describes these sentiments, and is dedicated with love to three lovely girls who shall remain nameless...but they know who they are! ♥

"Now all around the world in every little town
 everyday is heard a precious little sound
 and every mother kind and every father proud
 looks down in awe to find another chance allowed..."

Ramblin' Steve

FAQ's

"choose life, choose living, go digging for essence..."

This weeks blog provides a few answers to some frequently asked questions (FAQ's) which have been posed to me ever since I unveiled my plans to organise a charity walk next April.
Just to confirm that my intention is to walk the entire length of The South Downs Way (100 miles) in aid of Cancer Research UK.

Why Cancer Research UK?
As some of you are no doubt aware, somebody especially close to me has recently being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Also, a very good friend of mine has a girlfriend who is suffering with the same condition.
In addition, I recently found out that my ex-father-in-law passed away after a long battle with cancer.
And finally, a close friend of mine has worked for and supported Cancer Research UK, so for all of these reasons this charity seemed a very worthy cause.

Why the delay until next April?
This is purely for practical reasons.
Firstly, I have no holiday entitlement until the next financial year.
Secondly, this gives me sufficient time to fully prepare fitness wise, and properly organise the event.
And finally, the specific date of April 23rd to April 27th was decided as it comes after the Easter Bank Holiday weekend, and also after the running of the London Marathon on Sunday April 22nd, as I didn't want to detract from, or clash with anybody else's possible charity efforts.

Why are you walking west to east?
Most of the guide books describe the route starting in Eastbourne and ending in Winchester.
But I've decided to walk in the opposite direction for three specific reasons:
1. Winchester is easier to get to for an early start on a Monday morning.
2. I like the idea of ending my trek by the coast/seaside and the cliffs of Eastbourne.
3. Generally the 'bad' weather comes from the west, so if I am unfortunate enough to experience heavy rain or cold winds they should at least be at my back and not in my face.

Why aren't you camping?
I did think of doing this at one stage, but again practical reasons made me think otherwise.
If I choose to camp this would meann having to carry extra equipment which I'd rather not have to do.
Also, after walking 20 miles every day I think I deserve a comfortable bed every night!

Can I sponsor you in the 'old' fashioned way?
You most certainly can. As well as having the 'Just Giving' page (please see link attached) which allows donations to be made directly from bank accounts, there will also be a manual sponsorship form that I will permanently have with me, so donations can be listed on this form and funds collected after the walk has been completed. But I must stress that as the event is 6 months away I wouldn't neccesarily expect many donations just yet.

Donations Link: http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

Can I join you on your route?
By all means, the more the merrier. Also, you don't have to do the entire walk ~ you could always do just a single stage if this proves more appealing. I am quite prepared to trek on my own but any company would be greatly appreciated, although two of my work colleagues (Curph & Ross) have recently expressed an interest to join me ~ cheers guys!

What training are you currently undertaking?
I'm commited to walking every Sunday between now and then to help prepare me as best I can. Once next year arrives, I shall step-up this regime to include Saturdays, and then once March hits I shall endeavour to walk every night in addition to the weekends.
I recently purchased some new walking boots and I'm glad to report that I've sufficiently broken them in as I trekked the entire length of The Centurion Way last Sunday, including all around the West Dean estate for over four hours ~ making an approximate distance of 16 miles!

How will we know that you've actually completed the walk?
Good question ~ If I do the walk by myself I guess you'll only have my word for it, but I like to think my honesty and integrity will prove sufficient! Lol.
But I'll be taking regular pictures showing locations and uploading them via Facebook.
Unfortunately, I won't have access to a PC/laptop so my blog won't be getting updated until after the event.

If you have any further queries or questions please don't hesitate to contact me either via this blog by leaving comments, or by posting on my Facebook wall, or sending me an e-mail to: stevemuskett@yahoo.com

I shall be alternating my weekly blogs from now on between fundraising updates and random subjects which prove relevant at the time, as I don't want to continually bang on about the charity walk and bore everybody rigid! Lol.

Ramblin' Steve

Guilty Secrets & The Reasons Why...

"while you torture yourself with what's behind ya, torture yourself with what awaits ya,
 draggin' that guilt and regret inside ya, anxious of the goals that always evade ya,
 your mind will find a way to be unkind to you somehow,
 but all we really have is happening to us right now..."

~ Happiness is the Road

As previously stated due to the condition of someone very special and extremely close to me, I have been left with a total sense of helplessness and frustration. This goes against my normally cool, calm, and collected demeanour, although I do try to hide these feelings and bury them deep down inside.
There is also a sense of karma which has kicked in, and this is where the 'guilty secrets' revisit me.

To attempt to move on and not dwell on some of my past events, I have thrown myself into reading, writing, and researching for my South Downs Way charity walk next year. Currently it is the thought of completing the 100 miles from Winchester to Eastbourne which drives me on, and gives me a sense of purpose and something to strive for...but try as I might to walk away my worries, concerns, and memories, certain feelings of guilt are never far away from me.

Firstly, although I have done nothing wrong and I know that there isn't anything that I can actually do other than provide as much love and support as possible, I do feel a sense of guilt regarding that special lady in my life. Why her, and what did she do to deserve this? Is being attached to me a curse which brings all of this ill health and bad luck?

Then there is a guilty secret that I've been harbouring for quite a few years.
When I achieved a promotion and a massive increase in salary in a previous job, it was with the knowledge that this position was gained in rather dubious circumstances. My ex-boss had been committing numerous misdemeanours of which the 'powers-that-be' had become aware. These 'chiefs' then lent on me severely to 'shop' my boss, which I was loathe to do. But once it became clear that my own job was hanging by a thread unless I obliged, I had little option but to help them with their enquiries.
Rather than being sacked my ex-boss was forced to resign, resulting in me obtaining his position as a direct replacement. Knowing that I had a part to play in these circumstances never sat comfortably with me.
What tragically and further compounded the issue, was that a year or so later he contracted a brain tumour and within a further year he had passed away.
I have forever wondered that maybe I was a contributory factor in the brain tumour occurring in the first place, due to the stress he was no doubt under caused by his resignation.
But I guess this is something that I just have to live with.

Finally, I recently became aware that an old friend who I used to live with, and who's young daughter I also used to take care of, had committed suicide.
I walked out of her life two years ago due to various reasons, which I have previously described in great detail in an earlier blog, and yet when I learned of her death the guilty feelings returned once again.
Had I stayed in her life could I have prevented her suicide?

I seem to have a history of being attached to, or being involved with, women either in need of help or in need of someone to take care of them.
It appears that it is in my nature to be atuned to any suffering or cries of help around me, which I am unable to shut out. So I tend to become a sort of 'rescuer' to others, as I'm more concerned with their welfare than that of my own.
This attribute, quality, or curse (you can decide) is part of my make-up, DNA, and psyche, and I guess will always remain within me...as will the continual burden and sense of guilt concerning the issues above.

Ramblin' Steve

Fundraising Update

A quick update on my progress with regards to my plans to walk the entire length of The South Downs Way, from Winchester to Eastbourne (100 miles) next April in support of Cancer Research UK.

* The proposed date is scheduled to be from April 23rd to April 27th.
* Cancer Research have contacted me & confirmed that they will officially support me.
* Fundraising materials have just arrived in the post!
* South Downs National Park have been notified with regards to my plans.
* I have consulted with my employer who will match any donations upto £300

The provisional route is anticipated to be as follows:

23/04/12 - Winchester to Buriton   (24 miles)

24/04/12 - Buriton to Amberley      (22 miles)

25/04/12 - Amberley to Fulking     (17 miles)

26/04/12 - Fulking to Rodmell       (17 miles)

27/04/12 - Rodmell to Eastbourne (20 miles)

Please find attached a link which gives anybody the opportunity to sponsor me or make a donation, although as the event is well over 6 months away I wouldn't expect much activity as yet. As I have previously stated, I just want to do this event properly, with good preparation and organisation, which is why I am so far in advance at this stage. Also, by informing everybody early it gives people the chance to think about joining me on my walk if they felt so inclined?

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

Although I share and post my blog on Facebook, some of my work colleagues may not be able to access the information about my event via this social network, so I shall also be circulating an e-mail to those individuals shortly. Next up will be a blog giving some further reasons why I'm doing this walk, followed by another blog with answers to frequently asked questions (FAQ's).

Many thanks in advance for all your support.

Kind regards.

Ramblin' Steve

Walkin' On...Officially!

After over two weeks of relative rest and relaxation it's back to work!
As previously stated, my holiday plans changed considerably from my original intentions, and although I was extremely disappointed and felt rather lonely I did make the most of the opportunity to do some research and preparation for my future plans.
So following on from my pervious blog where I introduced my intentions to arrange an organised charity walk for Cancer Research UK next year, I thought I'd briefly update you on my progress to date.

Today I officially registered my event with Cancer Research UK with a scheduled date to be confirmed, but definitely to happen in April 2012.
A sponsors pack is due to be sent shortly, as well as contact from the local area manager advising on fundraising activity.
During the past fortnight I've researched the South Down Way to assertain the best direction, route, and stop-off locations, and I'm now in the process of confirming this with the South Down Way Committee.
I've continued with my preparation and training, as I aim to build up my stamina and fitness.
This has recently included five trips to and from my parents house (a total distance of 60 miles); regular treks around the Goodwood and West Dean estates; occassional walks along the Chichester Canal tow path including the adjoining Salterns Way trail to Fishbourne; and finally spending quite a few hours pounding the local beat distributing flyers promoting the current Chequers Vintage Celebrations.

Next up is to purchase a decent pair of waterproof walking boots in anticipation of the forthcoming winter months, as I fully intend on carrying on training regardless of the conditions.
I also hope by my next blog that I shall have some details regarding support from my employer, as well as possible other sponsorship details. In addition a future blog will also contain some answers to certain questions which have so far been posed.

So until next time, many thanks in advance for all of your support.

Ramblin' Steve

Ramblin' For Cancer Research UK

It's been two weeks since my previous blog due to holidays, but as I said back then I intended to use my time off as constructively as possible...and believe me I have!
My 'Ramblin' Man' blog is now taking on a totally different perspcetive, (and a quite literal one too) as it's going to take on an even deeper significance.

My plans involve a personal and important project which is for a cause very close to my heart.
I intend to walk the entire length of the South Down Way National Trail next April 2012 to raise funds for Cancer Research UK ~ this represents 100 miles from Winchester to Eastbourne, and I hope to cover this distance in only five days!
Now I'm aware that this is quite far in advance (over six months), but I want to do this right and I want to do this properly, as there is much to organise. Such as:

* obtaining permission from Cancer Research UK;
* seeking acceptance from the South Down Way National Trail representatives;
* arranging suitable sponsorship through friends & companies alike;
* confirming agreement from my employer to book the time off work, and gain their support;
* arranging the specific dates and stage locations;
* booking the appropriate over night accomodation;
* build up my fitness & stamina after my own personal health issues.

Over the course of the next few months I shall be finalising further details, and updating events via this blog.
I have recently started getting in training over my holidays, and every day I have undertaken on average a 12 mile trek. In fact I think that when I return to work next week, I'd be the only person to have ever returned from a holiday having actually lost weight through exercise, rather than put it on due to over-indulgence!

Any support would be greatly appreciated and if anyone wanted to join me on my quest then that would obviously be greatly welcomed.
Please also be aware that I will not be asking for any donations as yet, as it's far too early at this stage and I'm just doing all the groundwork and research.
Once I've registered officially with Cancer Research UK, and obtained more specific details I shall share any relevant information then.
In the meantime if you have any enquiries then please do not hesitate to contact me by either commenting on this blog; by posting on my Facebook Wall; or you can contact me on my personal e-mail address which I shall pick up daily from September 15th:  stevemuskett@yahoo.com

I shall leave you with a quote from Soren Kierkegaard, which I recently read and found totally appropriate:

"above all do not lose your desire to walk: every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness; I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it."

Thank you in advance for your support.

Ramblin' Steve

Guilty Displeasure

"So I lay me down to lie and with the rain my lullaby, I drift away to dreamless sleep,
 leave behind a life that died, a victim of a plague of ghosts.
 I was wrapped up in my guilt buried deep within my memories,
 a shelter of self-pity that I know the rain will wash away,
 I sense the storm arriving..."

Due to my impending holidays which means the lack of an active computer or lap-top at my disposal, this will be my last blog for a few weeks. I hope to use my time away as constructively as possible, and with her blessing I hope to be allowed to visit someone special as I'm missing her terribly. If not, then she knows that I understand the reasons why, and she knows that my thoughts are with her and all of her family.

It's only now, nearly a week on from receiving the confirmation of the heartbreaking news, that the reality has really sunk in. How can someone so lovely, young, kind, genuine and so precious be treated this way ~ it's so undeserved and so sad.
Despite feeling terrible and helpless myself, I know that it's important for me to stay strong and positive, not just for myself, but for others around me too, as they may well need this strength to draw upon themselves. Although I'm very down about the whole situation, I shall strive to remain determined and supportive as best I can, and will always continue to give all the love, care and support that I can possibly muster.
I hope to make the most of every opportunity that I can to share with such a precious and lovely girl, who I am blessed to have known in my life.

However, I must confess to feeling extremely mixed up emotionally.
Her unbelievable unselfishness and sacrifice in wanting me to get on with my life, including meeting someone else, leaves me ridddled with guilt. I want so much to be able to help her other than just offering my love, care and support, but like I said previously all I have is a sense of helplessness.
When you then consider that from next month I shall have a little bit more disposable income to enable me to live a slightly better quality of life, I feel totally conflicted.
I'd much rather put these available funds to better use. That is why as a supporter of both Cancer Research UK and the Lance Armstrong Foundation, I shall always try to do what little I can to aid these worthwhile causes, and this is why I will contribute some of this disposable income in their direction.

Despite recently trying to grow my hair, I have now gone back to shaving my head.
This is in honour to all those who come into contact with cancer in one form or another.
They may be sufferers directly themselves, or they may be involved with others who are fighting their own specific battle. I wish everyone success in winning their own fight and I shall always remain in awe of you all for your displays of faith, strength, will and determination in living life as full as you possibly can.

I have returned to the blog picture of the beautiful sunrise in the wonderful township of Paihia, in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand. It was one of those opportunistic moments when I just happened to be on the beach at 6am when the sun came up. This picture always brings a sense of 'hope' and 'new beginnings' to me, and I can only wish that these feelings are not misplaced.

Before I sign off for a while I would just like to wish my very dear & special friend, Elona good luck ~ as she is shortly due to give birth to a lovely baby boy. Despite everything that goes on in her life (especially at the moment), she always find the time to show me her love, friendship & support...and the same goes to you, Trace ~ please know that I love you both.♥

Ramblin' Steve

Heading For The Dignified Walk Away...

"what a brave, brave girl
 never lied before
 such a plain deceit
 everyone would eventually know..."

Following on from previous blogs and personal Facebook wall posts: one consequence resulted in receiving the most heartbreaking of phone calls, and probably the hardest conversation that I've ever experienced.
After yet another long period of silence, the special lady in my life finally broke the tranquility with the shattering confirmation of her diagnosis of her illness. I previously said that all I wanted was some truth, love and honesty ~ well, I think I got far more than I bargained for.

Being a protective type of guy, I'd always attempt to preserve her dignity, so I shall not be going into any details of her condition, or of how this illness has affected her body, appearance and spirit.
Her constant bravery is to be admired as is her stubborness in not allowing me to try to help.
Having said that, there isn't anything that I can do when you consider that she's dealing with the Big 'C' word, and she's been given two years at best to live.
She doesn't want me to visit her at present as she's going through the toughest course of treatment, and although it breaks my heart, I have promised her that I shall respect her wishes.
She knows that I love her and she assures me that the feeling is mutual, so at least we both share that.
I must confess that generally I keep my emotions in check, but during the conversation my eyes were welling up, and immediately afterwards when I was on my own, I did shed some tears.
What made it worse was she also made me promise not to put my life on hold, and she gave me her blessing to meet someone else and be happy.

All I can think about at the moment is living my life to the full, and trying to make the most of it as best I can.
If I do this then I'll feel that I'm honouring her sentiments in some way.
She's also requested me to leave her in peace for the time being, which again I shall reluctantly abide with despite this overwhelming sense of helplessness that I have.
But she knows that she is always in my thoughts...and in my heart.

Dedicated with love to three lovely girls♥

Ramblin' Steve

The Crow Flies Straight...

"riding through this world, all alone, God takes your soul; you're on your own,
 the crow flies straight, a perfect line, on the Devil's back until you die,
 this life is short, baby that's a fact, better live it right, you ain't coming back..."

These are the opening lines to the theme tune of the popular US TV series, 'Sons of Anarchy'.
Now, I'm not a biker and never will be. And if I suddenly turned up riding a Harley, the first thing anyone would say is that I must be going through a mid-life crisis!
But I can identify to a certain extent with the life of a biker, driving the open road in complete freedom.
The nearest that I've ever come to achieving this is by cruising the New Zealand highways in my campervan, and making my bed wherever it suited my needs...now that was living!

But there is a perfect sense of freedom with my life.
I have no fixed ties, which allows me to roam wherever I please.
I have no mortgage, no wife and no other commitments on a personal level.
So long as I bring in enough money to cover my bills and pay my rent, then the world is my oyster!
Following on from my previous blog, 'Options, Choices & Decisions', I have decided a few things already.
I intend to remain living where I am, sharing a flat with my good friends Josie & Glen. I could save to get a place of my own, but it would be a bit tight financially and I'd have no spare cash to actually live. Also, I'd probably get quite lonely on my own with just my thoughts to keep me company, and like I said before thinking can be a dangerous thing!
So I shall enjoy their comapny and after speaking to Josie at length, I'm quite happy that I've made the right decision. But what this does mean is that I will have some disposable income, so I will be able to go out and live my life and have some fun! I'll start eating better, treat myself to some new clothes, and generally live for today, and not worry about tomorrow as tomorrow may never come.

I've written all about my travels previously, and about my romantic liason's which form part of my nomadic lifestyle in the past. I have lived in countless places and I have loved some lovely ladies in my time, and pieces of my heart remain spread across this country...as well as overseas.
I like to think that I do live by a moral code though.
Whenever I've been involved with women, then I'm with that specific woman 100%, as I'm devoted solely to her at that time. If things don't work out (and they regularly don't in my case!), it's only then that I move on and generally I've been very fortunate to meet someone else.
But as some of my ex-girlfriends know only too well...I do sometimes find it hard to let go.
Not that I become a stalker or anything terrible like that, but my feelings always run deep and no doubt they always will, as I'll remain a hopeless romantic until the day that I die.
I'm sure certain ladies can testify to that, and also that I've never hurt them as I tend to spoil them with kindness until they can't take anymore! Lol.

Finishing off by going back to the lyrics, the most important aspect is making the point that life is too short ~ I've repeatedly said this and written about this, and it's a code which I do try to live by as best I can.
It's important to have no regrets, to live your life as best you can whilst making the most of it, and to enjoy it.
Life is too short ~ I know this only too well, so this is why I try not to dwell on any heartaches.

After all, it's better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. Amen to that!

♥ PS - once again thanks to those nearest & dearest for all your continual love and support ~
I love you with all of my heart always ♥

Ramblin' Steve

Options, Choices & Decisions

"now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse,
 is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse..."

Quite a few of my previous blogs have referred to memories and dreams.
I recently wrote about some fond memories concerning loved ones, and also stated my ideal dream of where I'd like to be living in the not-too-distant future. Well, it looks like those dreams have finally been shatttered...and in the words of Bruce Springsteen from 'The River' above, it looks like my memories have indeed returned to haunt me.

For the past two years I feel as if my life has been put on hold.
Ever since I lost the plot in Edinburgh in August 2009, I've been playing 'catch-up' with everything.
It's taken these past two years to gain some form of stability in my life, but at last I feel that I'm nearly there.
Unfortunately, the down side is that I really wanted to be part of someone else's life too, but it appears that my patience may well have been misplaced.

During the past two years I've finally resolved and stabilised my finances; to such an extent that now with a little bit of help from work, I will actually have some disposable income to look forward to. It's not much, but believe me compared to scratching around for some pennies the week before payday, I am now in a far better position.
The question now arises though, is what do I do with this extra disposable income?
Part of me thinks I should try to save as much as possible, with a view to getting my own flat early next year.
Whilst the other part of me says that life is too short and I should go out and live a little.
Maybe I shall compromise to do a little of both. What I am determined not to do is squander it all in persuit of some unattainable hedonistic pleasures...I've tried that once too many times before!
But I will go out and have some fun, because without being too self-righteous or arrogant I know I deserve to enjoy myself somewhat!

My life has been on hold for the past couple of years, as first I awaited the outcome of my financial troubles, and secondly whilst I patiently waited for that special woman in my life to be ready for us to be together.
Nobody can say that I haven't been patient, as two years is a long time, but it's inevitable that eventually even the most patient of men will come to the conclusion that enough is enough.
It's tough for me though, as I care for her deeply and I've tried to be as understanding as I can regarding her health problems, but when she cuts me out of her life for months at a time for no apparent reason it hurts.
I still don't know the full extent of exactly what's going on, and I still don't actually know the whole truth either, or what I've done wrong to be excluded, but she chooses not to involve me so what can I do?
I don't know if it's just her way, whether it's guilt, or maybe it's because she's not used to having someone who genuinely cares about her...but I feel that the silence is some sort of punishment which isn't fair as I've done nothing wrong, and all along I've provided plenty of love, care and support, both emotionally and financially where possible.

So for once in my life I'm going to take heed of advice regularly administered to me, but always ignored up to now: I'm going to put myself first for a change...whilst naturally remaining a kind and caring soul towards others of course.Lol.

Friday is pay day, and then the end of the month beckons which means one thing: holiday!
Regretably I am now no longer visiting New Zealand, but I am determined to relax, chill, unwind, catch up with some friends, but above all have some fun!

Thanks to all those who have recently been there for me, especially Trace, both the Ange's, Curph, Giverny and Julie.

Ramblin' Steve

Sweet In The Memory

"while you torture yourself with what's behind ya, torture yourself with what awaits ya,
 draggin' that guilt and regret inside ya, anxious of the goals that always evade ya,
 your mind will find a way to be unkind to you somehow,
 but all we really have is happening to us right now..."

Being by yourself for most of the time does give you the opportunity to think a lot, and believe me...thinking can be a very dangerous thing!
It's very easy to conduct an analysis of where you are with your life, what you've actually got, what you've achieved, what you've lost, what you're striving to gain, and worst of all...you can second-guess what certain other people are thinking.

Some very special ladies who all feature in my life have recently occupied my thoughts.
I can draw comfort from knowing that they remain there for me, as I am for them, and their kind words give me the strength to preserve my own sanity during difficult times ~ their friendship, love and support will forever be precious to me.

I've mentioned previously some issues concerning a particular lady in my life, and she knows that my heart belongs to her no matter what the future brings. Recently the silence and lack of news from her allows this process of second-guessing to kick-in, but then I receive wise words from someone else which can put things into a different perspective. The suggestions are that she possibly feels a sense of guilt in burdening me with her problems ~ hence the silence after the initial contact. This view is then echoed by others, who also stress the need for me to remain patient and be strong.

And then after nearly a month of total silence my world brightened up with a text from her just the other night.
No doubt this is going to be followed by a heartbreaking phone call somewhen over the next few days, and whilst I know this blog isn't an appropriate forum to go into details, I can say that I'm anticipating many tears being shed on both sides, and at the same time quite a few issues will either get resolved, or will be in the process of being resolved.
I guess I'm a kind of 'all-or-nothing' type of guy, and being kept in 'limbo' doesn't suit this status.
Despite my undoubted patience I still need to know where I stand, and that's where the phone call that I anticipate will come in.
In two weeks time I aim to resolve the situation fully in person by using some time off work as constructively as possible, and hopefully a decision will finally be made concerning our futures.

Whilst my current love-life is hanging by a thread, I must also confess that I have been thinking of some happy times shared with other women from the past.
As a firm believer of the ethic of being of a gentleman who doesn't 'kiss-and-tell', I never name names, but a certain lady from a little village in the west-country entertains my thoughts, as does someone else who is thousands of miles away on the other side of the world. They both bring a smile to my face and a tingle in my loins! Lol.

Being an old hopeless romantic, I do tend to only remember the good times and gloss over the bad ones. But I do like to think that the good times also far outweigh the bad.
I also know that whatever the future holds in store for me regarding matters of the heart, nobody can ever take away my sweet memories, and nobody ever leaves you if they remain in your heart and in your head.

Ramblin' Steve

What I Miss About You...

"I'll show you a sunset if you stay with me 'til dawn..."

Recently I've been feeling pretty lonely and lost, which has caused my writing to dry up as I felt I didn't have anything of any value to talk about.
My faith and inspiration returned however, courtesy of some kind messages that I've received, including one lovely comment that I should keep up with my creative writing as I have a great talent which should be nurtured ~ I'm not completely sure about that but thanks anyway, Julie.
So rather than wallowing in self-pity, I thought I'd raid my memory bank of all the feelings and fond recollections that I can muster, and share them with you in this blog.
Yes, they may remind me that I'm missing the day-to-day presence of that 'love of my life', but nobody can ever take away the sweet memories that I have ~ and these charms and affections are not just associated with one woman in particular ~ I'm lucky enough to realise that I'm been quite blessed in my life so far.

I miss waking up in the morning and the first thing I see is you.
I miss watching you sleeping.
I miss your cheeky and naughty laugh.
I miss having all your underwear scattered around the place.
I miss your soft, sweet kiss.
I miss bringing you a cuppa in bed before I head off to work.
I miss pampering you with all my tender, loving care.
I miss treating you to a relaxing sensual massage.
I miss watching you get dressed and putting on your make-up.
I miss your pretty smile which brightens up my day.
I miss gently stroking the small of your back whilst holding you close.
I miss suprising you with flowers or little personal gifts.
I miss getting all dressed up to go out to wine and dine you.
I miss sharing a warm embrace and your sensitive touch.
I miss your scent which seems to transfer itself onto everything that's around.
I miss the butterflies in my stomach as I wait to see you.
I miss the skipping of a heartbeat as you enter a room.
But most of all...I just miss YOU!

"And I miss you most of all my darling, when Autumn leaves start to fall...".

Ramblin' Steve

Hurt

To anyone that I have hurt over the years ~ please accept my sincerest apologies.
My intentions have always been honourable and well meant, and I like to think that my kind nature, understanding and care towards others has always been appreciated.
Right now, dealing with the silence is the hardest thing to do...but I must remain patient.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole, the old familar sting, try to kill it all away but I remember everything.

Everyman has his breaking point.
Two years ago I reached mine, yet fortunately I survived to tell the tale.
Once again I'm riddled with self-doubt, and feeling a sense of loss.
Maybe I'm just speaking from the heart and not from the head?

What have I become my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

I've never possessed much in life in terms of materialistic possessions or wealth.
Yet I would always give whatever I had.
Poor in life, rich in love...that's me!
But I guess a big heart and a kind soul isn't enough in this world that we live in?

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear, you are someone else I am still right here.

Over time certain feelings may well fade with regards to past loved ones.
But my heart forever mourns and remembers.
They may well have moved on with their lives, whilst I remain here with my thoughts and memories.
I've been here before, and no doubt I'll be here again...and life goes on.

If I could start again a million miles away.
I would keep myself, I would find a way.

I have started again numerous times before.
I have moved away to strange places more times than I care to remember.
For the time being I'm going to keep myself to myself, and go 'off-the-grid' for a while.
Until next time ~ take care & be safe xx

Ramblin' Steve ~ with a bit of help from Nine Inch Nails & Johnny Cash.

No Regrets

"Live in the moment or you'll never be free..."

I sometimes wonder what if..?

In my previous blog I stated that the last home of my own was in Cheltenham, a lovely flat in the Montpelier region of the town, which I gave up in December 2008.
I reluctantly didn't re-new my lease on this property as I had just returned from New Zealand (the first time), I couldn't find work in the particular area that I was seeking, and I also received an offer to move to Berkshire and live with a friend rent-free until I found some work.

When I think of what's happened since then and what could have happened had I stayed in Gloucestershire, well...like they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Maybe I should have remained in Cheltenham and took any job that was available, rather than hold out for the ideal position which probably wouldn't have arrived anyway?
Or maybe I could have swallowed my pride and asked to return to my old job at TNT, although by that time I wouldn't have had the luxury of my supportive boss, lovely Lucy, as she had since left the company too.
If I had found work then I wouldn't have gotten myself into debt, and nor would I have ended up on that fateful trip to Edinburgh one year later.

If...that little word which can mean so much, and change everything...

But being the eternal optimist that I am, I like to look at things in a positive way.
I remain a hopeless romantic which a 'glass-half-full' rather than 'glass-half-empty' attitude to life, and I think about what I did achieve between January 2009 and today.

If I had stayed in Cheltenham then I wouldn't have experienced my second memorable visit to New Zealand, and I wouldn't have met my lovely & gorgeous mate, Angela Paul. Despite the hardships I've endured since, nobody can take away my fond memories of Christchurch, Queenstown, Te Anau, Wanaka, Nelson, Pohara, Takaka, Kaiteriteri, Motueka and Kaikoura, and living amongst all the wonderous lakes and mountains.

If I hadn't moved away then I wouldn't have met the sweet & special love of my life in Berkshire.
Circumstances may have dictated that we wouldn't experience a smooth ride with our relationship, and it may still end up in sadness as our time together may be short-lived, but nobody can take away the precious and magical moments that we've shared.

If things didn't turn out the way that they had, then I wouldn't have gotten closer to my family, including my long-lost sister and niece.
Nor would I have come to realise who my real friends were, as they were there when the chips were down!

And finally, by returning to the county of my birth I picked up the pieces and found a new job. And with it, I found some great new friends and work colleagues.

So life is grand after all...and it's definitely better to have no regrets.

Ramblin' Steve

Wherever I Lay My Hat...

Pagham, Bognor Regis, Hunston, Southampton, Chalvey, North Bersted, Slough, Bognor Regis, Langley, Chalvey, Slough, Bournemouth, Westbourne, Batheaston, Bradley Stoke, Cheltenham, Crowthorne, Christchurch (New Zealand), Crowthorne, North Bersted, Bognor Regis, Chichester,...?

The old Marvin Gaye classic which Paul Young later made famous goes:
"Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home...", well that's certainly true of me too!
Based on a minimum of one months residence, the above is an exact and accurate listing in chronological order of all the locations that I've lived in since leaving the 'family home' as a young adult.
There was a bit of 'back-and-forth' between Sussex and Berkshire for a while, which is why certain locations feature more than once, but by my reckoning it averages out at around a new 'home' more-or-less every 12 months.

So as my 44th birthday appears upon the horizon I feel quite justified in calling myself a ramblin' man.
Who knows where I'll end up next?
I do know where I'd like to live next (Sandhurst in Berkshire with a sweet special lady & her two lovely young girls, while there's still time left and the chance is still a possibility?)...but unfortunately that's not up to me at this moment in time.
Alternatively, maybe I'll finally get my own place once again, after staying with friends for the past few years.
The last time that I had a place solely of my own was in Cheltenham from May to December 2008.

I've discussed at length all the various dwellings and homes in my previous series of blogs ~ please see link attached below:

http://aspiritualjourneytofindahome.blogspot.com/

The journey itself felt like my home, and living a rather nomadic existence with minimal possessions seemed to suit me just fine.
But now as I'm getting older, and after finally attempting to get some stability in my life, both financially and emotionally, I find myself looking at things with a different perspective.
I'd like to put down some roots and live a family life of my own.
I may be too old to start my own family, but I'm perfectly happy to inherit or adopt someone else's.
When I say I'm too old, it's not physically my age (there's still plenty of lead in the old pencil yet - Lol) ~ it's just that probably the opportunity may have have passed me by. Having said that you never know what's around the corner and what suprises may be in store?
Truth be told, I'm getting tired of being on my own and would love to settle down with that special and precious lady in my life...but if it's not to be, then so be it as life goes on.
As one door closes, another one opens up...time will tell, I guess?

No matter what the future holds in store, I'll take it on the chin and try to live life to the full.
Or as my mate, Ange in NZ says, I'll have to 'Man-Up' and deal with it! Lol.

Ramblin' Steve

Edinburgh: Two Years Down The Road

"the wrong side of a lifetime's wishful thinking, drove me here to pills and ale,
  come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."

Somewhen around two years ago during late July/early August I experienced my darkest days ever.
I had gone AWOL and ended up in Scotland, where I proceded to follow a path to self-destruction resulting in me being admitted to Edinurgh Infirmary.
I can't remember the specific dates due to the whole hazy phase of my life during that time, but I do recall that the Edinburgh Festival 2009 was in full swing when I arrived north of the border!

What occurred still remains a blur in places, but I do remember the following which is an extract from 'Time To Bite The Bullet!' from my earlier series of blogs entitled, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home' which describes events as they transpired:

"I awoke on the Friday to be greeted by a downpour of rain which continued throughout the day. With nothing planned and a deep depression setting in, I found the first of many pubs and went on a bit of a binge.
Feeling very sad, lonely and isolated, I probably cut a sorry figure but by the time I made it back to my hotel in the evening via an off licence, I really didn't care what anybody thought and I didn't think anybody cared anyway. I do remember that somewhen during the afternoon I did pop into an internet cafe and left some facebook messages to my good friends Glenn & Ruth, Jimi & Denn, Elona Mortimer-Zhika, and Jo Rolfe, as if I was anticipating that the end was nigh and knowing what was going to happen next...although what actually did happen next remains a bit of a blur in places.

What I do remember is that I was awoken on the Saturday morning at 11am by the ringing of my hotel room phone. It was reception informing me that I should have checked out an hour ago. I hastily gathered up my things, noticing a half empty bottle of red wine next to a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, settled my bill and left.
Within minutes of leaving the hotel, as I was crossing the road I was violently sick. This wasn't the usual hangover sick, but something much worse. I collapsed onto the side of the kerb and dialled for an ambulence. Almost immediately the paramedics were with me and I was rushed into Edinburgh Infirmary.
The next few hours were a bit hazy, but I do remember having various tests done, and a meeting with a counsellor to determine whether I was suicidal or not.
It was at this point that the severity of my actions kicked in, and the reality that I was hundreds of miles away from anyone that I knew, and I had absolutely no money other than the fiver that remained in my wallet.
God, what had I done?
During the afternoon I was discharged, and as I stumbled out of the hospital I felt faint and collapsed again.
I returned back inside to be checked over once again, had further tests and examinations done, before being instructed that I should be well enough to leave.
By this time it was early evening and somehow I had contacted my parents and Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham, and between them they had arranged the purchase of a coach ticket from Edinburgh to Cheltenham on the Sunday, which was sent via a text message to my phone which would be accepted by the coach company.
I hung around the A&E all Saturday night, which was an experience in itself, and left around 5am on the Sunday morning to walk back into Edinburgh city centre, and locate the bus station as my coach was due to depart at 7am.
I boarded the coach and then travelled to Cheltenham via Glasgow, Carlisle, and Birmingham, and made it safely back to where I was picked up by Jimi. I then spent the next week at their house, recovering and getting myself back together."

Two years on and I'm still here...and as my Ramblin' Man profile states, I'm trying to make a living, doing the best I can!
With much thanks to some lovely and supportive friends & family, I pulled through this dark phase of my life.
I shall forever be indebted to Jimi Nutbrown & Denise Beaven for literally saving my life, and I shall forever be thankful for the messages and phone calls of support from some other great friends.
Especially, these include Elona Mortimer-Zhika, Jo Rolfe, Glenn & Ruth Courtney, 'Rose Horan, Martin Kirk, Tracey Shoemark, Paula Silverthorne and Lou Morle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or so they say.
Well, I like to think that I prove this to be true.

Much love to all those special people in my life ~ I'm shortly taking some time off work and hope to catch up with some of them if possible, to thank them once again personally.

Ramblin' Steve

The Road To Good Health

"It's never too late to find The Way..."

It's been a bit of a 'rollercoaster' journey of late, which has proved very testing to my powers of resilience and fortitude. As well as attempting to remain strong and supportive for that special lady in my life as she goes through her own personal struggles with ill health, I must also contend with some recurring health issues of my own.

As previously documented, I have developed a condition which although under control, still requires constant observation. I have been continuely struggling to cope with the effects of this condition, and I've been trying to hide any tell-tale signs of the symptoms as best I can, whilst secretly dealing with the stress in my own way. I'm determined not to be reliant upon medication, so I've been looking for alternative remedies by carrying out some research on the internet, and by seeking medical and nutritional advice elsewhere. A lot of the pain in my chest and oesophagus can be reduced by radically changing my diet, although this has been a case of utilising a 'trial-and-error' method over the past few months, as certain foods aggravate the discomfort worse than others. Also as indicated previously, although I can still enjoy the odd beer, I must accept that my binging days of alcohol are definitely over.
So my diet now consists of banana's, smoothies, muesli and yoghurts during the week...with the occassional treat of a panini or toastie at the weekend...as well as that solitary pint on a Friday night after work!
One luxury that I'd never sacrifice is of course my daily Costa coffee! Lol.
I've also been advised to subject myself to a twice daily regime of physical and breathing exercises, which I am beginning to feel the benefit of undertaking.

All of this means that I may well be slowly returning to my old lean and sinewy self of about five years ago, when I used to work all hours, including nights, and burn the candle at both ends due to my rather hectic social and love-life...the difference being that there are now no nightshifts, and there is now no real active social or love-life!

I recently re-read Robin Sharma's book 'The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari', to help me remember to value health before wealth, as this seemed extremely appropriate when you consider what I've just written about above.
I am currently reading one of Paulo Coelho's books entitled 'The Pilgrimage', which is all about one man's journey along the sacred road to Santiago de Compostela in Spain, and his quest for ancient wisdom as he learns to understand the nature of truth through the simplicity of life.
There was a recent film released called 'The Way', written and directed by Emilio Estevez and starring his father, Martin Sheen, which is based on the same pilgrimage (picture attached).
I haven't seen the movie as yet, as I'd rather finish reading the book first, but no doubt I'll get to view it once it comes out on dvd in a couple of months time.
Both of these books help me to keep a sense of perspective in my life as well an ability to retain a sense of hope, optimism, faith and belief.
My inner strength remains intact, and my spirit shall always be unbreakable...despite being regularly challenged in these trying times that we all live in.

Keep the Faith!

Ramblin' Steve

When Saturday Comes

"I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down..."

After my previous heartbreaking blog, 'Sad Times', I thought it would be best to lighten the mood with a rather jokey observation after experiencing on many occassions the nightmare that is walking down the high street on a busy Saturday afternoon!

I've managed to make a breakthrough discovery...and please don't despair as this blog isn't intended to alienate anyone who doesn't like football, as this blog isn't entirely about the subject!
Hopefully it will appeal to the lads (football) and also appeal to the ladies (shopping)?

So what have I discovered, you may well ask?
Well, I've found a link between the performance of our national football team on the pitch and the typical behaviour encountered on a Saturday afternoon on the high street!

First ~ a challenge:
I challenge anyone to pick any busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, and attempt to walk in a straight line...I bet you can't do it!
Why? Because everybody else seems to walk with their heads down, completely unaware of what's happening around them.
People walk out of shops at right angles and right into your path.
People walk towards you and have no idea that you are approaching.
People directly in front of you will suddenly stop for no apparent reason.
Or generally people are just completely oblivious to the fact that you even exist!
I kid you not...try it for yourself ~ I guarantee that you will have to move sideways or alter your course, and that you'll be unable to walk in a straight line .
It resembles a scene similar to the one in the video for The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony', when Richard Ashcroft walks down the street bumping into everyone he meets.
(This seems very appropiate when you also consider that ITV have adopted this music into their opening titles & ad breaks of their England football coverage).
Maybe this is what you should do - crash into everyone in your immediate path? Lol.

Now, you may well ask: "What the hell has this got to do with football?"
Quite simply I've realised the correlation between the performance of the Saturday afternoon high street pedestrian/shopper and the performance of the Saturday afternoon English football player.
With the one notable exception of Jack Wilshire (pictured), our nation doesn't possess a single footballer who can play with his head-up ~ in fact we haven't produced anyone since Gazza who is comfortable on the ball and who is prepared to run at defenders from the centre of the park. They all play with their eyes on the ground, firmly fixed on the ball, unaware of what's around them and possess very limited vision...(another notable exception would probably have to be Paul Scholes!)
Now if you consider that these footballers are bred from the same stereotype as the Saturday afternoon shopper, then it's no wonder we breed stereotypical English footballers!

Well, that's my opinion anyway.
I think all the national football coaches should bring their players down to a busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, toss them a ball and let them get on with it.
If they can avoid the mad shoppers and keep hold of the ball, then rival Spanish, Brazilian, Dutch, Italian, or German opposition should be no problem at all...should it?

Ramblin' Steve