Options, Choices & Decisions

"now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse,
 is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse..."

Quite a few of my previous blogs have referred to memories and dreams.
I recently wrote about some fond memories concerning loved ones, and also stated my ideal dream of where I'd like to be living in the not-too-distant future. Well, it looks like those dreams have finally been shatttered...and in the words of Bruce Springsteen from 'The River' above, it looks like my memories have indeed returned to haunt me.

For the past two years I feel as if my life has been put on hold.
Ever since I lost the plot in Edinburgh in August 2009, I've been playing 'catch-up' with everything.
It's taken these past two years to gain some form of stability in my life, but at last I feel that I'm nearly there.
Unfortunately, the down side is that I really wanted to be part of someone else's life too, but it appears that my patience may well have been misplaced.

During the past two years I've finally resolved and stabilised my finances; to such an extent that now with a little bit of help from work, I will actually have some disposable income to look forward to. It's not much, but believe me compared to scratching around for some pennies the week before payday, I am now in a far better position.
The question now arises though, is what do I do with this extra disposable income?
Part of me thinks I should try to save as much as possible, with a view to getting my own flat early next year.
Whilst the other part of me says that life is too short and I should go out and live a little.
Maybe I shall compromise to do a little of both. What I am determined not to do is squander it all in persuit of some unattainable hedonistic pleasures...I've tried that once too many times before!
But I will go out and have some fun, because without being too self-righteous or arrogant I know I deserve to enjoy myself somewhat!

My life has been on hold for the past couple of years, as first I awaited the outcome of my financial troubles, and secondly whilst I patiently waited for that special woman in my life to be ready for us to be together.
Nobody can say that I haven't been patient, as two years is a long time, but it's inevitable that eventually even the most patient of men will come to the conclusion that enough is enough.
It's tough for me though, as I care for her deeply and I've tried to be as understanding as I can regarding her health problems, but when she cuts me out of her life for months at a time for no apparent reason it hurts.
I still don't know the full extent of exactly what's going on, and I still don't actually know the whole truth either, or what I've done wrong to be excluded, but she chooses not to involve me so what can I do?
I don't know if it's just her way, whether it's guilt, or maybe it's because she's not used to having someone who genuinely cares about her...but I feel that the silence is some sort of punishment which isn't fair as I've done nothing wrong, and all along I've provided plenty of love, care and support, both emotionally and financially where possible.

So for once in my life I'm going to take heed of advice regularly administered to me, but always ignored up to now: I'm going to put myself first for a change...whilst naturally remaining a kind and caring soul towards others of course.Lol.

Friday is pay day, and then the end of the month beckons which means one thing: holiday!
Regretably I am now no longer visiting New Zealand, but I am determined to relax, chill, unwind, catch up with some friends, but above all have some fun!

Thanks to all those who have recently been there for me, especially Trace, both the Ange's, Curph, Giverny and Julie.

Ramblin' Steve