Guilty Displeasure

"So I lay me down to lie and with the rain my lullaby, I drift away to dreamless sleep,
 leave behind a life that died, a victim of a plague of ghosts.
 I was wrapped up in my guilt buried deep within my memories,
 a shelter of self-pity that I know the rain will wash away,
 I sense the storm arriving..."

Due to my impending holidays which means the lack of an active computer or lap-top at my disposal, this will be my last blog for a few weeks. I hope to use my time away as constructively as possible, and with her blessing I hope to be allowed to visit someone special as I'm missing her terribly. If not, then she knows that I understand the reasons why, and she knows that my thoughts are with her and all of her family.

It's only now, nearly a week on from receiving the confirmation of the heartbreaking news, that the reality has really sunk in. How can someone so lovely, young, kind, genuine and so precious be treated this way ~ it's so undeserved and so sad.
Despite feeling terrible and helpless myself, I know that it's important for me to stay strong and positive, not just for myself, but for others around me too, as they may well need this strength to draw upon themselves. Although I'm very down about the whole situation, I shall strive to remain determined and supportive as best I can, and will always continue to give all the love, care and support that I can possibly muster.
I hope to make the most of every opportunity that I can to share with such a precious and lovely girl, who I am blessed to have known in my life.

However, I must confess to feeling extremely mixed up emotionally.
Her unbelievable unselfishness and sacrifice in wanting me to get on with my life, including meeting someone else, leaves me ridddled with guilt. I want so much to be able to help her other than just offering my love, care and support, but like I said previously all I have is a sense of helplessness.
When you then consider that from next month I shall have a little bit more disposable income to enable me to live a slightly better quality of life, I feel totally conflicted.
I'd much rather put these available funds to better use. That is why as a supporter of both Cancer Research UK and the Lance Armstrong Foundation, I shall always try to do what little I can to aid these worthwhile causes, and this is why I will contribute some of this disposable income in their direction.

Despite recently trying to grow my hair, I have now gone back to shaving my head.
This is in honour to all those who come into contact with cancer in one form or another.
They may be sufferers directly themselves, or they may be involved with others who are fighting their own specific battle. I wish everyone success in winning their own fight and I shall always remain in awe of you all for your displays of faith, strength, will and determination in living life as full as you possibly can.

I have returned to the blog picture of the beautiful sunrise in the wonderful township of Paihia, in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand. It was one of those opportunistic moments when I just happened to be on the beach at 6am when the sun came up. This picture always brings a sense of 'hope' and 'new beginnings' to me, and I can only wish that these feelings are not misplaced.

Before I sign off for a while I would just like to wish my very dear & special friend, Elona good luck ~ as she is shortly due to give birth to a lovely baby boy. Despite everything that goes on in her life (especially at the moment), she always find the time to show me her love, friendship & support...and the same goes to you, Trace ~ please know that I love you both.♥

Ramblin' Steve