"the wrong side of a lifetime's wishful thinking, drove me here to pills and ale,
come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."
Somewhen around two years ago during late July/early August I experienced my darkest days ever.
I had gone AWOL and ended up in Scotland, where I proceded to follow a path to self-destruction resulting in me being admitted to Edinurgh Infirmary.
I can't remember the specific dates due to the whole hazy phase of my life during that time, but I do recall that the Edinburgh Festival 2009 was in full swing when I arrived north of the border!
What occurred still remains a blur in places, but I do remember the following which is an extract from 'Time To Bite The Bullet!' from my earlier series of blogs entitled, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home' which describes events as they transpired:
"I awoke on the Friday to be greeted by a downpour of rain which continued throughout the day. With nothing planned and a deep depression setting in, I found the first of many pubs and went on a bit of a binge.
Feeling very sad, lonely and isolated, I probably cut a sorry figure but by the time I made it back to my hotel in the evening via an off licence, I really didn't care what anybody thought and I didn't think anybody cared anyway. I do remember that somewhen during the afternoon I did pop into an internet cafe and left some facebook messages to my good friends Glenn & Ruth, Jimi & Denn, Elona Mortimer-Zhika, and Jo Rolfe, as if I was anticipating that the end was nigh and knowing what was going to happen next...although what actually did happen next remains a bit of a blur in places.
What I do remember is that I was awoken on the Saturday morning at 11am by the ringing of my hotel room phone. It was reception informing me that I should have checked out an hour ago. I hastily gathered up my things, noticing a half empty bottle of red wine next to a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, settled my bill and left.
Within minutes of leaving the hotel, as I was crossing the road I was violently sick. This wasn't the usual hangover sick, but something much worse. I collapsed onto the side of the kerb and dialled for an ambulence. Almost immediately the paramedics were with me and I was rushed into Edinburgh Infirmary.
The next few hours were a bit hazy, but I do remember having various tests done, and a meeting with a counsellor to determine whether I was suicidal or not.
It was at this point that the severity of my actions kicked in, and the reality that I was hundreds of miles away from anyone that I knew, and I had absolutely no money other than the fiver that remained in my wallet.
God, what had I done?
During the afternoon I was discharged, and as I stumbled out of the hospital I felt faint and collapsed again.
I returned back inside to be checked over once again, had further tests and examinations done, before being instructed that I should be well enough to leave.
By this time it was early evening and somehow I had contacted my parents and Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham, and between them they had arranged the purchase of a coach ticket from Edinburgh to Cheltenham on the Sunday, which was sent via a text message to my phone which would be accepted by the coach company.
I hung around the A&E all Saturday night, which was an experience in itself, and left around 5am on the Sunday morning to walk back into Edinburgh city centre, and locate the bus station as my coach was due to depart at 7am.
I boarded the coach and then travelled to Cheltenham via Glasgow, Carlisle, and Birmingham, and made it safely back to where I was picked up by Jimi. I then spent the next week at their house, recovering and getting myself back together."
Two years on and I'm still here...and as my Ramblin' Man profile states, I'm trying to make a living, doing the best I can!
With much thanks to some lovely and supportive friends & family, I pulled through this dark phase of my life.
I shall forever be indebted to Jimi Nutbrown & Denise Beaven for literally saving my life, and I shall forever be thankful for the messages and phone calls of support from some other great friends.
Especially, these include Elona Mortimer-Zhika, Jo Rolfe, Glenn & Ruth Courtney, 'Rose Horan, Martin Kirk, Tracey Shoemark, Paula Silverthorne and Lou Morle.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or so they say.
Well, I like to think that I prove this to be true.
Much love to all those special people in my life ~ I'm shortly taking some time off work and hope to catch up with some of them if possible, to thank them once again personally.
Ramblin' Steve
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