draggin' that guilt and regret inside ya, anxious of the goals that always evade ya,
your mind will find a way to be unkind to you somehow,
but all we really have is happening to us right now..."
~ Happiness is the Road
As previously stated due to the condition of someone very special and extremely close to me, I have been left with a total sense of helplessness and frustration. This goes against my normally cool, calm, and collected demeanour, although I do try to hide these feelings and bury them deep down inside.
There is also a sense of karma which has kicked in, and this is where the 'guilty secrets' revisit me.
To attempt to move on and not dwell on some of my past events, I have thrown myself into reading, writing, and researching for my South Downs Way charity walk next year. Currently it is the thought of completing the 100 miles from Winchester to Eastbourne which drives me on, and gives me a sense of purpose and something to strive for...but try as I might to walk away my worries, concerns, and memories, certain feelings of guilt are never far away from me.
Firstly, although I have done nothing wrong and I know that there isn't anything that I can actually do other than provide as much love and support as possible, I do feel a sense of guilt regarding that special lady in my life. Why her, and what did she do to deserve this? Is being attached to me a curse which brings all of this ill health and bad luck?
Then there is a guilty secret that I've been harbouring for quite a few years.
When I achieved a promotion and a massive increase in salary in a previous job, it was with the knowledge that this position was gained in rather dubious circumstances. My ex-boss had been committing numerous misdemeanours of which the 'powers-that-be' had become aware. These 'chiefs' then lent on me severely to 'shop' my boss, which I was loathe to do. But once it became clear that my own job was hanging by a thread unless I obliged, I had little option but to help them with their enquiries.
Rather than being sacked my ex-boss was forced to resign, resulting in me obtaining his position as a direct replacement. Knowing that I had a part to play in these circumstances never sat comfortably with me.
What tragically and further compounded the issue, was that a year or so later he contracted a brain tumour and within a further year he had passed away.
I have forever wondered that maybe I was a contributory factor in the brain tumour occurring in the first place, due to the stress he was no doubt under caused by his resignation.
But I guess this is something that I just have to live with.
Finally, I recently became aware that an old friend who I used to live with, and who's young daughter I also used to take care of, had committed suicide.
I walked out of her life two years ago due to various reasons, which I have previously described in great detail in an earlier blog, and yet when I learned of her death the guilty feelings returned once again.
Had I stayed in her life could I have prevented her suicide?
I seem to have a history of being attached to, or being involved with, women either in need of help or in need of someone to take care of them.
It appears that it is in my nature to be atuned to any suffering or cries of help around me, which I am unable to shut out. So I tend to become a sort of 'rescuer' to others, as I'm more concerned with their welfare than that of my own.
This attribute, quality, or curse (you can decide) is part of my make-up, DNA, and psyche, and I guess will always remain within me...as will the continual burden and sense of guilt concerning the issues above.
Ramblin' Steve
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