Guilty Displeasure

"So I lay me down to lie and with the rain my lullaby, I drift away to dreamless sleep,
 leave behind a life that died, a victim of a plague of ghosts.
 I was wrapped up in my guilt buried deep within my memories,
 a shelter of self-pity that I know the rain will wash away,
 I sense the storm arriving..."

Due to my impending holidays which means the lack of an active computer or lap-top at my disposal, this will be my last blog for a few weeks. I hope to use my time away as constructively as possible, and with her blessing I hope to be allowed to visit someone special as I'm missing her terribly. If not, then she knows that I understand the reasons why, and she knows that my thoughts are with her and all of her family.

It's only now, nearly a week on from receiving the confirmation of the heartbreaking news, that the reality has really sunk in. How can someone so lovely, young, kind, genuine and so precious be treated this way ~ it's so undeserved and so sad.
Despite feeling terrible and helpless myself, I know that it's important for me to stay strong and positive, not just for myself, but for others around me too, as they may well need this strength to draw upon themselves. Although I'm very down about the whole situation, I shall strive to remain determined and supportive as best I can, and will always continue to give all the love, care and support that I can possibly muster.
I hope to make the most of every opportunity that I can to share with such a precious and lovely girl, who I am blessed to have known in my life.

However, I must confess to feeling extremely mixed up emotionally.
Her unbelievable unselfishness and sacrifice in wanting me to get on with my life, including meeting someone else, leaves me ridddled with guilt. I want so much to be able to help her other than just offering my love, care and support, but like I said previously all I have is a sense of helplessness.
When you then consider that from next month I shall have a little bit more disposable income to enable me to live a slightly better quality of life, I feel totally conflicted.
I'd much rather put these available funds to better use. That is why as a supporter of both Cancer Research UK and the Lance Armstrong Foundation, I shall always try to do what little I can to aid these worthwhile causes, and this is why I will contribute some of this disposable income in their direction.

Despite recently trying to grow my hair, I have now gone back to shaving my head.
This is in honour to all those who come into contact with cancer in one form or another.
They may be sufferers directly themselves, or they may be involved with others who are fighting their own specific battle. I wish everyone success in winning their own fight and I shall always remain in awe of you all for your displays of faith, strength, will and determination in living life as full as you possibly can.

I have returned to the blog picture of the beautiful sunrise in the wonderful township of Paihia, in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand. It was one of those opportunistic moments when I just happened to be on the beach at 6am when the sun came up. This picture always brings a sense of 'hope' and 'new beginnings' to me, and I can only wish that these feelings are not misplaced.

Before I sign off for a while I would just like to wish my very dear & special friend, Elona good luck ~ as she is shortly due to give birth to a lovely baby boy. Despite everything that goes on in her life (especially at the moment), she always find the time to show me her love, friendship & support...and the same goes to you, Trace ~ please know that I love you both.♥

Ramblin' Steve

Heading For The Dignified Walk Away...

"what a brave, brave girl
 never lied before
 such a plain deceit
 everyone would eventually know..."

Following on from previous blogs and personal Facebook wall posts: one consequence resulted in receiving the most heartbreaking of phone calls, and probably the hardest conversation that I've ever experienced.
After yet another long period of silence, the special lady in my life finally broke the tranquility with the shattering confirmation of her diagnosis of her illness. I previously said that all I wanted was some truth, love and honesty ~ well, I think I got far more than I bargained for.

Being a protective type of guy, I'd always attempt to preserve her dignity, so I shall not be going into any details of her condition, or of how this illness has affected her body, appearance and spirit.
Her constant bravery is to be admired as is her stubborness in not allowing me to try to help.
Having said that, there isn't anything that I can do when you consider that she's dealing with the Big 'C' word, and she's been given two years at best to live.
She doesn't want me to visit her at present as she's going through the toughest course of treatment, and although it breaks my heart, I have promised her that I shall respect her wishes.
She knows that I love her and she assures me that the feeling is mutual, so at least we both share that.
I must confess that generally I keep my emotions in check, but during the conversation my eyes were welling up, and immediately afterwards when I was on my own, I did shed some tears.
What made it worse was she also made me promise not to put my life on hold, and she gave me her blessing to meet someone else and be happy.

All I can think about at the moment is living my life to the full, and trying to make the most of it as best I can.
If I do this then I'll feel that I'm honouring her sentiments in some way.
She's also requested me to leave her in peace for the time being, which again I shall reluctantly abide with despite this overwhelming sense of helplessness that I have.
But she knows that she is always in my thoughts...and in my heart.

Dedicated with love to three lovely girls♥

Ramblin' Steve

The Crow Flies Straight...

"riding through this world, all alone, God takes your soul; you're on your own,
 the crow flies straight, a perfect line, on the Devil's back until you die,
 this life is short, baby that's a fact, better live it right, you ain't coming back..."

These are the opening lines to the theme tune of the popular US TV series, 'Sons of Anarchy'.
Now, I'm not a biker and never will be. And if I suddenly turned up riding a Harley, the first thing anyone would say is that I must be going through a mid-life crisis!
But I can identify to a certain extent with the life of a biker, driving the open road in complete freedom.
The nearest that I've ever come to achieving this is by cruising the New Zealand highways in my campervan, and making my bed wherever it suited my needs...now that was living!

But there is a perfect sense of freedom with my life.
I have no fixed ties, which allows me to roam wherever I please.
I have no mortgage, no wife and no other commitments on a personal level.
So long as I bring in enough money to cover my bills and pay my rent, then the world is my oyster!
Following on from my previous blog, 'Options, Choices & Decisions', I have decided a few things already.
I intend to remain living where I am, sharing a flat with my good friends Josie & Glen. I could save to get a place of my own, but it would be a bit tight financially and I'd have no spare cash to actually live. Also, I'd probably get quite lonely on my own with just my thoughts to keep me company, and like I said before thinking can be a dangerous thing!
So I shall enjoy their comapny and after speaking to Josie at length, I'm quite happy that I've made the right decision. But what this does mean is that I will have some disposable income, so I will be able to go out and live my life and have some fun! I'll start eating better, treat myself to some new clothes, and generally live for today, and not worry about tomorrow as tomorrow may never come.

I've written all about my travels previously, and about my romantic liason's which form part of my nomadic lifestyle in the past. I have lived in countless places and I have loved some lovely ladies in my time, and pieces of my heart remain spread across this country...as well as overseas.
I like to think that I do live by a moral code though.
Whenever I've been involved with women, then I'm with that specific woman 100%, as I'm devoted solely to her at that time. If things don't work out (and they regularly don't in my case!), it's only then that I move on and generally I've been very fortunate to meet someone else.
But as some of my ex-girlfriends know only too well...I do sometimes find it hard to let go.
Not that I become a stalker or anything terrible like that, but my feelings always run deep and no doubt they always will, as I'll remain a hopeless romantic until the day that I die.
I'm sure certain ladies can testify to that, and also that I've never hurt them as I tend to spoil them with kindness until they can't take anymore! Lol.

Finishing off by going back to the lyrics, the most important aspect is making the point that life is too short ~ I've repeatedly said this and written about this, and it's a code which I do try to live by as best I can.
It's important to have no regrets, to live your life as best you can whilst making the most of it, and to enjoy it.
Life is too short ~ I know this only too well, so this is why I try not to dwell on any heartaches.

After all, it's better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. Amen to that!

♥ PS - once again thanks to those nearest & dearest for all your continual love and support ~
I love you with all of my heart always ♥

Ramblin' Steve

Options, Choices & Decisions

"now those memories come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse,
 is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse..."

Quite a few of my previous blogs have referred to memories and dreams.
I recently wrote about some fond memories concerning loved ones, and also stated my ideal dream of where I'd like to be living in the not-too-distant future. Well, it looks like those dreams have finally been shatttered...and in the words of Bruce Springsteen from 'The River' above, it looks like my memories have indeed returned to haunt me.

For the past two years I feel as if my life has been put on hold.
Ever since I lost the plot in Edinburgh in August 2009, I've been playing 'catch-up' with everything.
It's taken these past two years to gain some form of stability in my life, but at last I feel that I'm nearly there.
Unfortunately, the down side is that I really wanted to be part of someone else's life too, but it appears that my patience may well have been misplaced.

During the past two years I've finally resolved and stabilised my finances; to such an extent that now with a little bit of help from work, I will actually have some disposable income to look forward to. It's not much, but believe me compared to scratching around for some pennies the week before payday, I am now in a far better position.
The question now arises though, is what do I do with this extra disposable income?
Part of me thinks I should try to save as much as possible, with a view to getting my own flat early next year.
Whilst the other part of me says that life is too short and I should go out and live a little.
Maybe I shall compromise to do a little of both. What I am determined not to do is squander it all in persuit of some unattainable hedonistic pleasures...I've tried that once too many times before!
But I will go out and have some fun, because without being too self-righteous or arrogant I know I deserve to enjoy myself somewhat!

My life has been on hold for the past couple of years, as first I awaited the outcome of my financial troubles, and secondly whilst I patiently waited for that special woman in my life to be ready for us to be together.
Nobody can say that I haven't been patient, as two years is a long time, but it's inevitable that eventually even the most patient of men will come to the conclusion that enough is enough.
It's tough for me though, as I care for her deeply and I've tried to be as understanding as I can regarding her health problems, but when she cuts me out of her life for months at a time for no apparent reason it hurts.
I still don't know the full extent of exactly what's going on, and I still don't actually know the whole truth either, or what I've done wrong to be excluded, but she chooses not to involve me so what can I do?
I don't know if it's just her way, whether it's guilt, or maybe it's because she's not used to having someone who genuinely cares about her...but I feel that the silence is some sort of punishment which isn't fair as I've done nothing wrong, and all along I've provided plenty of love, care and support, both emotionally and financially where possible.

So for once in my life I'm going to take heed of advice regularly administered to me, but always ignored up to now: I'm going to put myself first for a change...whilst naturally remaining a kind and caring soul towards others of course.Lol.

Friday is pay day, and then the end of the month beckons which means one thing: holiday!
Regretably I am now no longer visiting New Zealand, but I am determined to relax, chill, unwind, catch up with some friends, but above all have some fun!

Thanks to all those who have recently been there for me, especially Trace, both the Ange's, Curph, Giverny and Julie.

Ramblin' Steve

Sweet In The Memory

"while you torture yourself with what's behind ya, torture yourself with what awaits ya,
 draggin' that guilt and regret inside ya, anxious of the goals that always evade ya,
 your mind will find a way to be unkind to you somehow,
 but all we really have is happening to us right now..."

Being by yourself for most of the time does give you the opportunity to think a lot, and believe me...thinking can be a very dangerous thing!
It's very easy to conduct an analysis of where you are with your life, what you've actually got, what you've achieved, what you've lost, what you're striving to gain, and worst of all...you can second-guess what certain other people are thinking.

Some very special ladies who all feature in my life have recently occupied my thoughts.
I can draw comfort from knowing that they remain there for me, as I am for them, and their kind words give me the strength to preserve my own sanity during difficult times ~ their friendship, love and support will forever be precious to me.

I've mentioned previously some issues concerning a particular lady in my life, and she knows that my heart belongs to her no matter what the future brings. Recently the silence and lack of news from her allows this process of second-guessing to kick-in, but then I receive wise words from someone else which can put things into a different perspective. The suggestions are that she possibly feels a sense of guilt in burdening me with her problems ~ hence the silence after the initial contact. This view is then echoed by others, who also stress the need for me to remain patient and be strong.

And then after nearly a month of total silence my world brightened up with a text from her just the other night.
No doubt this is going to be followed by a heartbreaking phone call somewhen over the next few days, and whilst I know this blog isn't an appropriate forum to go into details, I can say that I'm anticipating many tears being shed on both sides, and at the same time quite a few issues will either get resolved, or will be in the process of being resolved.
I guess I'm a kind of 'all-or-nothing' type of guy, and being kept in 'limbo' doesn't suit this status.
Despite my undoubted patience I still need to know where I stand, and that's where the phone call that I anticipate will come in.
In two weeks time I aim to resolve the situation fully in person by using some time off work as constructively as possible, and hopefully a decision will finally be made concerning our futures.

Whilst my current love-life is hanging by a thread, I must also confess that I have been thinking of some happy times shared with other women from the past.
As a firm believer of the ethic of being of a gentleman who doesn't 'kiss-and-tell', I never name names, but a certain lady from a little village in the west-country entertains my thoughts, as does someone else who is thousands of miles away on the other side of the world. They both bring a smile to my face and a tingle in my loins! Lol.

Being an old hopeless romantic, I do tend to only remember the good times and gloss over the bad ones. But I do like to think that the good times also far outweigh the bad.
I also know that whatever the future holds in store for me regarding matters of the heart, nobody can ever take away my sweet memories, and nobody ever leaves you if they remain in your heart and in your head.

Ramblin' Steve

What I Miss About You...

"I'll show you a sunset if you stay with me 'til dawn..."

Recently I've been feeling pretty lonely and lost, which has caused my writing to dry up as I felt I didn't have anything of any value to talk about.
My faith and inspiration returned however, courtesy of some kind messages that I've received, including one lovely comment that I should keep up with my creative writing as I have a great talent which should be nurtured ~ I'm not completely sure about that but thanks anyway, Julie.
So rather than wallowing in self-pity, I thought I'd raid my memory bank of all the feelings and fond recollections that I can muster, and share them with you in this blog.
Yes, they may remind me that I'm missing the day-to-day presence of that 'love of my life', but nobody can ever take away the sweet memories that I have ~ and these charms and affections are not just associated with one woman in particular ~ I'm lucky enough to realise that I'm been quite blessed in my life so far.

I miss waking up in the morning and the first thing I see is you.
I miss watching you sleeping.
I miss your cheeky and naughty laugh.
I miss having all your underwear scattered around the place.
I miss your soft, sweet kiss.
I miss bringing you a cuppa in bed before I head off to work.
I miss pampering you with all my tender, loving care.
I miss treating you to a relaxing sensual massage.
I miss watching you get dressed and putting on your make-up.
I miss your pretty smile which brightens up my day.
I miss gently stroking the small of your back whilst holding you close.
I miss suprising you with flowers or little personal gifts.
I miss getting all dressed up to go out to wine and dine you.
I miss sharing a warm embrace and your sensitive touch.
I miss your scent which seems to transfer itself onto everything that's around.
I miss the butterflies in my stomach as I wait to see you.
I miss the skipping of a heartbeat as you enter a room.
But most of all...I just miss YOU!

"And I miss you most of all my darling, when Autumn leaves start to fall...".

Ramblin' Steve

Hurt

To anyone that I have hurt over the years ~ please accept my sincerest apologies.
My intentions have always been honourable and well meant, and I like to think that my kind nature, understanding and care towards others has always been appreciated.
Right now, dealing with the silence is the hardest thing to do...but I must remain patient.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole, the old familar sting, try to kill it all away but I remember everything.

Everyman has his breaking point.
Two years ago I reached mine, yet fortunately I survived to tell the tale.
Once again I'm riddled with self-doubt, and feeling a sense of loss.
Maybe I'm just speaking from the heart and not from the head?

What have I become my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

I've never possessed much in life in terms of materialistic possessions or wealth.
Yet I would always give whatever I had.
Poor in life, rich in love...that's me!
But I guess a big heart and a kind soul isn't enough in this world that we live in?

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear, you are someone else I am still right here.

Over time certain feelings may well fade with regards to past loved ones.
But my heart forever mourns and remembers.
They may well have moved on with their lives, whilst I remain here with my thoughts and memories.
I've been here before, and no doubt I'll be here again...and life goes on.

If I could start again a million miles away.
I would keep myself, I would find a way.

I have started again numerous times before.
I have moved away to strange places more times than I care to remember.
For the time being I'm going to keep myself to myself, and go 'off-the-grid' for a while.
Until next time ~ take care & be safe xx

Ramblin' Steve ~ with a bit of help from Nine Inch Nails & Johnny Cash.