Sad Times

"No one leaves you when you live in their heart and mind
 And no one dies ~ they just move to the other side..."

'Sad Times' reflects on the recently confirmed news that someone especially close to me who I dearly love is living on borrowed time due to severe ill health. This is devestating enough, but when you add in all the other mitigating circumstances and the tragic recent history involved...well, it really does tear me to pieces inside and breaks my heart.

The 'relationship' between this special lady and myself has remained mainly secret to most people for the past two years due to a rather messy divorce that she is going through, but we both know how we feel towards each other and that's all that matters to us.
Close friends and family have an idea of what we've been going through these past two years, in terms of trying to cope with all the trials and tribulations that we've both encountered, and when it seems that events have been conspiring all around us to prevent us being together.
She won't thank me for discussing these issues, but in the true tradition of not being a 'kiss-and-tell' kind of guy, I won't refer to her by name, and there are no mutual friends who are likely to read this blog anyway.
Nor shall I go into all the details of her illness, as this doesn't serve any purpose to anyone ~ I don't want to dwell on the past ~ I want to make the most of the present and of the limited future.
The full extent and timeframe of how long she has left remains undecided ~ I guess that depends greatly on her own fight and will to live, as well as the next round of hospital tests and results ~ all I can do is try to make the time that she has left as memorable as possible for the right reasons.

She's a stubborn lady too!
I've been asking her to lean on me and let me do whatever I can to help her cope, but she just says that she can't bring herself to load me with the burden. I know she has enough on her plate and that her family must take priority in her life at the moment, especially her supportive parents, and even more importantly her two lovely young daughters. She's taking each day as it comes, and she's trying to be brave for everyone, but it's so tragic and so sad that someone so young and so beautiful can be taken away so prematurely in life.
Quite what she has done to deserve this terrible luck is totally beyond me, as she's had a hard enough life up to now as it is. I'm so proud of her for her bravery and her spirit and it only serves to makes me love her even more.

I know she's been struggling to get her head around the whole matter, and I guess now it's my turn.
I'm worried sick about her, especially as I'm fifty miles away and reliant on phone calls and text messages, but I know it doesn't do anyone any good if I don't take care of myself...she may well be out of sight, but she is definitely in my thoughts always. I may not be eating or sleeping properly at the moment, but that's a small price to pay compared with what she's going through.
But it's hard to read the despair in her messages and to hear the emotion in her voice, and it leaves me with a sense of helplessness when all I want to do is take away the pain and the hurt that she's experiencing.

Now is not the time for feeling sorry for myself ~ I've just got to be strong for her and be here for her whenever she needs me. All I can do is keep myself occupied, by a combination of throwing myself into my work and by keeping myself as busy as best I can when I'm outside of work, which I mostly do by reading and writing which helps me deal with things.

What I mustn't do is sink into the bottom of a bottle and wallow in self-pity.
She knows my phone is on 24/7 and I'll be right by her side should she so wish. In the meantime I just have to respect her wishes, whilst she deals with everything in her own way. The long bouts of silence can be difficult to accept, but my understanding and patience both serve me well in this respect.
I'll forever try to remain upbeat and positive, because that's my nature, and I'll always try to keep a smile on my face as best I can.
I hope that once her divorce is finalised then we can finally be together, because even if it isn't forever I'd rather be with her for a short while than not be with her at all.

After all we've gone through during the past two years, we both finally thought that we were overcoming all the obstacles that had been put in our way, and that the light was at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately we've now both come to realise that it is a different kind of light that she is awaiting...

Live every moment ♥ Laugh every day ♥ Love beyond words ♥

Ramblin' Steve