"Live in the moment or you'll never be free..."
I sometimes wonder what if..?
In my previous blog I stated that the last home of my own was in Cheltenham, a lovely flat in the Montpelier region of the town, which I gave up in December 2008.
I reluctantly didn't re-new my lease on this property as I had just returned from New Zealand (the first time), I couldn't find work in the particular area that I was seeking, and I also received an offer to move to Berkshire and live with a friend rent-free until I found some work.
When I think of what's happened since then and what could have happened had I stayed in Gloucestershire, well...like they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Maybe I should have remained in Cheltenham and took any job that was available, rather than hold out for the ideal position which probably wouldn't have arrived anyway?
Or maybe I could have swallowed my pride and asked to return to my old job at TNT, although by that time I wouldn't have had the luxury of my supportive boss, lovely Lucy, as she had since left the company too.
If I had found work then I wouldn't have gotten myself into debt, and nor would I have ended up on that fateful trip to Edinburgh one year later.
If...that little word which can mean so much, and change everything...
But being the eternal optimist that I am, I like to look at things in a positive way.
I remain a hopeless romantic which a 'glass-half-full' rather than 'glass-half-empty' attitude to life, and I think about what I did achieve between January 2009 and today.
If I had stayed in Cheltenham then I wouldn't have experienced my second memorable visit to New Zealand, and I wouldn't have met my lovely & gorgeous mate, Angela Paul. Despite the hardships I've endured since, nobody can take away my fond memories of Christchurch, Queenstown, Te Anau, Wanaka, Nelson, Pohara, Takaka, Kaiteriteri, Motueka and Kaikoura, and living amongst all the wonderous lakes and mountains.
If I hadn't moved away then I wouldn't have met the sweet & special love of my life in Berkshire.
Circumstances may have dictated that we wouldn't experience a smooth ride with our relationship, and it may still end up in sadness as our time together may be short-lived, but nobody can take away the precious and magical moments that we've shared.
If things didn't turn out the way that they had, then I wouldn't have gotten closer to my family, including my long-lost sister and niece.
Nor would I have come to realise who my real friends were, as they were there when the chips were down!
And finally, by returning to the county of my birth I picked up the pieces and found a new job. And with it, I found some great new friends and work colleagues.
So life is grand after all...and it's definitely better to have no regrets.
Ramblin' Steve
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wherever I Lay My Hat...
Pagham, Bognor Regis, Hunston, Southampton, Chalvey, North Bersted, Slough, Bognor Regis, Langley, Chalvey, Slough, Bournemouth, Westbourne, Batheaston, Bradley Stoke, Cheltenham, Crowthorne, Christchurch (New Zealand), Crowthorne, North Bersted, Bognor Regis, Chichester,...?
The old Marvin Gaye classic which Paul Young later made famous goes:
"Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home...", well that's certainly true of me too!
Based on a minimum of one months residence, the above is an exact and accurate listing in chronological order of all the locations that I've lived in since leaving the 'family home' as a young adult.
There was a bit of 'back-and-forth' between Sussex and Berkshire for a while, which is why certain locations feature more than once, but by my reckoning it averages out at around a new 'home' more-or-less every 12 months.
So as my 44th birthday appears upon the horizon I feel quite justified in calling myself a ramblin' man.
Who knows where I'll end up next?
I do know where I'd like to live next (Sandhurst in Berkshire with a sweet special lady & her two lovely young girls, while there's still time left and the chance is still a possibility?)...but unfortunately that's not up to me at this moment in time.
Alternatively, maybe I'll finally get my own place once again, after staying with friends for the past few years.
The last time that I had a place solely of my own was in Cheltenham from May to December 2008.
I've discussed at length all the various dwellings and homes in my previous series of blogs ~ please see link attached below:
http://aspiritualjourneytofindahome.blogspot.com/
The journey itself felt like my home, and living a rather nomadic existence with minimal possessions seemed to suit me just fine.
But now as I'm getting older, and after finally attempting to get some stability in my life, both financially and emotionally, I find myself looking at things with a different perspective.
I'd like to put down some roots and live a family life of my own.
I may be too old to start my own family, but I'm perfectly happy to inherit or adopt someone else's.
When I say I'm too old, it's not physically my age (there's still plenty of lead in the old pencil yet - Lol) ~ it's just that probably the opportunity may have have passed me by. Having said that you never know what's around the corner and what suprises may be in store?
Truth be told, I'm getting tired of being on my own and would love to settle down with that special and precious lady in my life...but if it's not to be, then so be it as life goes on.
As one door closes, another one opens up...time will tell, I guess?
No matter what the future holds in store, I'll take it on the chin and try to live life to the full.
Or as my mate, Ange in NZ says, I'll have to 'Man-Up' and deal with it! Lol.
Ramblin' Steve
The old Marvin Gaye classic which Paul Young later made famous goes:
"Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home...", well that's certainly true of me too!
Based on a minimum of one months residence, the above is an exact and accurate listing in chronological order of all the locations that I've lived in since leaving the 'family home' as a young adult.
There was a bit of 'back-and-forth' between Sussex and Berkshire for a while, which is why certain locations feature more than once, but by my reckoning it averages out at around a new 'home' more-or-less every 12 months.
So as my 44th birthday appears upon the horizon I feel quite justified in calling myself a ramblin' man.
Who knows where I'll end up next?
I do know where I'd like to live next (Sandhurst in Berkshire with a sweet special lady & her two lovely young girls, while there's still time left and the chance is still a possibility?)...but unfortunately that's not up to me at this moment in time.
Alternatively, maybe I'll finally get my own place once again, after staying with friends for the past few years.
The last time that I had a place solely of my own was in Cheltenham from May to December 2008.
I've discussed at length all the various dwellings and homes in my previous series of blogs ~ please see link attached below:
http://aspiritualjourneytofindahome.blogspot.com/
The journey itself felt like my home, and living a rather nomadic existence with minimal possessions seemed to suit me just fine.
But now as I'm getting older, and after finally attempting to get some stability in my life, both financially and emotionally, I find myself looking at things with a different perspective.
I'd like to put down some roots and live a family life of my own.
I may be too old to start my own family, but I'm perfectly happy to inherit or adopt someone else's.
When I say I'm too old, it's not physically my age (there's still plenty of lead in the old pencil yet - Lol) ~ it's just that probably the opportunity may have have passed me by. Having said that you never know what's around the corner and what suprises may be in store?
Truth be told, I'm getting tired of being on my own and would love to settle down with that special and precious lady in my life...but if it's not to be, then so be it as life goes on.
As one door closes, another one opens up...time will tell, I guess?
No matter what the future holds in store, I'll take it on the chin and try to live life to the full.
Or as my mate, Ange in NZ says, I'll have to 'Man-Up' and deal with it! Lol.
Ramblin' Steve
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Edinburgh: Two Years Down The Road
"the wrong side of a lifetime's wishful thinking, drove me here to pills and ale,
come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."
Somewhen around two years ago during late July/early August I experienced my darkest days ever.
I had gone AWOL and ended up in Scotland, where I proceded to follow a path to self-destruction resulting in me being admitted to Edinurgh Infirmary.
I can't remember the specific dates due to the whole hazy phase of my life during that time, but I do recall that the Edinburgh Festival 2009 was in full swing when I arrived north of the border!
What occurred still remains a blur in places, but I do remember the following which is an extract from 'Time To Bite The Bullet!' from my earlier series of blogs entitled, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home' which describes events as they transpired:
"I awoke on the Friday to be greeted by a downpour of rain which continued throughout the day. With nothing planned and a deep depression setting in, I found the first of many pubs and went on a bit of a binge.
Feeling very sad, lonely and isolated, I probably cut a sorry figure but by the time I made it back to my hotel in the evening via an off licence, I really didn't care what anybody thought and I didn't think anybody cared anyway. I do remember that somewhen during the afternoon I did pop into an internet cafe and left some facebook messages to my good friends Glenn & Ruth, Jimi & Denn, Elona Mortimer-Zhika, and Jo Rolfe, as if I was anticipating that the end was nigh and knowing what was going to happen next...although what actually did happen next remains a bit of a blur in places.
What I do remember is that I was awoken on the Saturday morning at 11am by the ringing of my hotel room phone. It was reception informing me that I should have checked out an hour ago. I hastily gathered up my things, noticing a half empty bottle of red wine next to a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, settled my bill and left.
Within minutes of leaving the hotel, as I was crossing the road I was violently sick. This wasn't the usual hangover sick, but something much worse. I collapsed onto the side of the kerb and dialled for an ambulence. Almost immediately the paramedics were with me and I was rushed into Edinburgh Infirmary.
The next few hours were a bit hazy, but I do remember having various tests done, and a meeting with a counsellor to determine whether I was suicidal or not.
It was at this point that the severity of my actions kicked in, and the reality that I was hundreds of miles away from anyone that I knew, and I had absolutely no money other than the fiver that remained in my wallet.
God, what had I done?
During the afternoon I was discharged, and as I stumbled out of the hospital I felt faint and collapsed again.
I returned back inside to be checked over once again, had further tests and examinations done, before being instructed that I should be well enough to leave.
By this time it was early evening and somehow I had contacted my parents and Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham, and between them they had arranged the purchase of a coach ticket from Edinburgh to Cheltenham on the Sunday, which was sent via a text message to my phone which would be accepted by the coach company.
I hung around the A&E all Saturday night, which was an experience in itself, and left around 5am on the Sunday morning to walk back into Edinburgh city centre, and locate the bus station as my coach was due to depart at 7am.
I boarded the coach and then travelled to Cheltenham via Glasgow, Carlisle, and Birmingham, and made it safely back to where I was picked up by Jimi. I then spent the next week at their house, recovering and getting myself back together."
Two years on and I'm still here...and as my Ramblin' Man profile states, I'm trying to make a living, doing the best I can!
With much thanks to some lovely and supportive friends & family, I pulled through this dark phase of my life.
I shall forever be indebted to Jimi Nutbrown & Denise Beaven for literally saving my life, and I shall forever be thankful for the messages and phone calls of support from some other great friends.
Especially, these include Elona Mortimer-Zhika, Jo Rolfe, Glenn & Ruth Courtney, 'Rose Horan, Martin Kirk, Tracey Shoemark, Paula Silverthorne and Lou Morle.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or so they say.
Well, I like to think that I prove this to be true.
Much love to all those special people in my life ~ I'm shortly taking some time off work and hope to catch up with some of them if possible, to thank them once again personally.
Ramblin' Steve
come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."
Somewhen around two years ago during late July/early August I experienced my darkest days ever.
I had gone AWOL and ended up in Scotland, where I proceded to follow a path to self-destruction resulting in me being admitted to Edinurgh Infirmary.
I can't remember the specific dates due to the whole hazy phase of my life during that time, but I do recall that the Edinburgh Festival 2009 was in full swing when I arrived north of the border!
What occurred still remains a blur in places, but I do remember the following which is an extract from 'Time To Bite The Bullet!' from my earlier series of blogs entitled, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home' which describes events as they transpired:
"I awoke on the Friday to be greeted by a downpour of rain which continued throughout the day. With nothing planned and a deep depression setting in, I found the first of many pubs and went on a bit of a binge.
Feeling very sad, lonely and isolated, I probably cut a sorry figure but by the time I made it back to my hotel in the evening via an off licence, I really didn't care what anybody thought and I didn't think anybody cared anyway. I do remember that somewhen during the afternoon I did pop into an internet cafe and left some facebook messages to my good friends Glenn & Ruth, Jimi & Denn, Elona Mortimer-Zhika, and Jo Rolfe, as if I was anticipating that the end was nigh and knowing what was going to happen next...although what actually did happen next remains a bit of a blur in places.
What I do remember is that I was awoken on the Saturday morning at 11am by the ringing of my hotel room phone. It was reception informing me that I should have checked out an hour ago. I hastily gathered up my things, noticing a half empty bottle of red wine next to a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, settled my bill and left.
Within minutes of leaving the hotel, as I was crossing the road I was violently sick. This wasn't the usual hangover sick, but something much worse. I collapsed onto the side of the kerb and dialled for an ambulence. Almost immediately the paramedics were with me and I was rushed into Edinburgh Infirmary.
The next few hours were a bit hazy, but I do remember having various tests done, and a meeting with a counsellor to determine whether I was suicidal or not.
It was at this point that the severity of my actions kicked in, and the reality that I was hundreds of miles away from anyone that I knew, and I had absolutely no money other than the fiver that remained in my wallet.
God, what had I done?
During the afternoon I was discharged, and as I stumbled out of the hospital I felt faint and collapsed again.
I returned back inside to be checked over once again, had further tests and examinations done, before being instructed that I should be well enough to leave.
By this time it was early evening and somehow I had contacted my parents and Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham, and between them they had arranged the purchase of a coach ticket from Edinburgh to Cheltenham on the Sunday, which was sent via a text message to my phone which would be accepted by the coach company.
I hung around the A&E all Saturday night, which was an experience in itself, and left around 5am on the Sunday morning to walk back into Edinburgh city centre, and locate the bus station as my coach was due to depart at 7am.
I boarded the coach and then travelled to Cheltenham via Glasgow, Carlisle, and Birmingham, and made it safely back to where I was picked up by Jimi. I then spent the next week at their house, recovering and getting myself back together."
Two years on and I'm still here...and as my Ramblin' Man profile states, I'm trying to make a living, doing the best I can!
With much thanks to some lovely and supportive friends & family, I pulled through this dark phase of my life.
I shall forever be indebted to Jimi Nutbrown & Denise Beaven for literally saving my life, and I shall forever be thankful for the messages and phone calls of support from some other great friends.
Especially, these include Elona Mortimer-Zhika, Jo Rolfe, Glenn & Ruth Courtney, 'Rose Horan, Martin Kirk, Tracey Shoemark, Paula Silverthorne and Lou Morle.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or so they say.
Well, I like to think that I prove this to be true.
Much love to all those special people in my life ~ I'm shortly taking some time off work and hope to catch up with some of them if possible, to thank them once again personally.
Ramblin' Steve
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Road To Good Health
"It's never too late to find The Way..."
It's been a bit of a 'rollercoaster' journey of late, which has proved very testing to my powers of resilience and fortitude. As well as attempting to remain strong and supportive for that special lady in my life as she goes through her own personal struggles with ill health, I must also contend with some recurring health issues of my own.
As previously documented, I have developed a condition which although under control, still requires constant observation. I have been continuely struggling to cope with the effects of this condition, and I've been trying to hide any tell-tale signs of the symptoms as best I can, whilst secretly dealing with the stress in my own way. I'm determined not to be reliant upon medication, so I've been looking for alternative remedies by carrying out some research on the internet, and by seeking medical and nutritional advice elsewhere. A lot of the pain in my chest and oesophagus can be reduced by radically changing my diet, although this has been a case of utilising a 'trial-and-error' method over the past few months, as certain foods aggravate the discomfort worse than others. Also as indicated previously, although I can still enjoy the odd beer, I must accept that my binging days of alcohol are definitely over.
So my diet now consists of banana's, smoothies, muesli and yoghurts during the week...with the occassional treat of a panini or toastie at the weekend...as well as that solitary pint on a Friday night after work!
One luxury that I'd never sacrifice is of course my daily Costa coffee! Lol.
I've also been advised to subject myself to a twice daily regime of physical and breathing exercises, which I am beginning to feel the benefit of undertaking.
All of this means that I may well be slowly returning to my old lean and sinewy self of about five years ago, when I used to work all hours, including nights, and burn the candle at both ends due to my rather hectic social and love-life...the difference being that there are now no nightshifts, and there is now no real active social or love-life!
I recently re-read Robin Sharma's book 'The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari', to help me remember to value health before wealth, as this seemed extremely appropriate when you consider what I've just written about above.
I am currently reading one of Paulo Coelho's books entitled 'The Pilgrimage', which is all about one man's journey along the sacred road to Santiago de Compostela in Spain, and his quest for ancient wisdom as he learns to understand the nature of truth through the simplicity of life.
There was a recent film released called 'The Way', written and directed by Emilio Estevez and starring his father, Martin Sheen, which is based on the same pilgrimage (picture attached).
I haven't seen the movie as yet, as I'd rather finish reading the book first, but no doubt I'll get to view it once it comes out on dvd in a couple of months time.
Both of these books help me to keep a sense of perspective in my life as well an ability to retain a sense of hope, optimism, faith and belief.
My inner strength remains intact, and my spirit shall always be unbreakable...despite being regularly challenged in these trying times that we all live in.
Keep the Faith!
Ramblin' Steve
It's been a bit of a 'rollercoaster' journey of late, which has proved very testing to my powers of resilience and fortitude. As well as attempting to remain strong and supportive for that special lady in my life as she goes through her own personal struggles with ill health, I must also contend with some recurring health issues of my own.
As previously documented, I have developed a condition which although under control, still requires constant observation. I have been continuely struggling to cope with the effects of this condition, and I've been trying to hide any tell-tale signs of the symptoms as best I can, whilst secretly dealing with the stress in my own way. I'm determined not to be reliant upon medication, so I've been looking for alternative remedies by carrying out some research on the internet, and by seeking medical and nutritional advice elsewhere. A lot of the pain in my chest and oesophagus can be reduced by radically changing my diet, although this has been a case of utilising a 'trial-and-error' method over the past few months, as certain foods aggravate the discomfort worse than others. Also as indicated previously, although I can still enjoy the odd beer, I must accept that my binging days of alcohol are definitely over.
So my diet now consists of banana's, smoothies, muesli and yoghurts during the week...with the occassional treat of a panini or toastie at the weekend...as well as that solitary pint on a Friday night after work!
One luxury that I'd never sacrifice is of course my daily Costa coffee! Lol.
I've also been advised to subject myself to a twice daily regime of physical and breathing exercises, which I am beginning to feel the benefit of undertaking.
All of this means that I may well be slowly returning to my old lean and sinewy self of about five years ago, when I used to work all hours, including nights, and burn the candle at both ends due to my rather hectic social and love-life...the difference being that there are now no nightshifts, and there is now no real active social or love-life!
I recently re-read Robin Sharma's book 'The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari', to help me remember to value health before wealth, as this seemed extremely appropriate when you consider what I've just written about above.
I am currently reading one of Paulo Coelho's books entitled 'The Pilgrimage', which is all about one man's journey along the sacred road to Santiago de Compostela in Spain, and his quest for ancient wisdom as he learns to understand the nature of truth through the simplicity of life.
There was a recent film released called 'The Way', written and directed by Emilio Estevez and starring his father, Martin Sheen, which is based on the same pilgrimage (picture attached).
I haven't seen the movie as yet, as I'd rather finish reading the book first, but no doubt I'll get to view it once it comes out on dvd in a couple of months time.
Both of these books help me to keep a sense of perspective in my life as well an ability to retain a sense of hope, optimism, faith and belief.
My inner strength remains intact, and my spirit shall always be unbreakable...despite being regularly challenged in these trying times that we all live in.
Keep the Faith!
Ramblin' Steve
Thursday, July 14, 2011
When Saturday Comes
"I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down..."
After my previous heartbreaking blog, 'Sad Times', I thought it would be best to lighten the mood with a rather jokey observation after experiencing on many occassions the nightmare that is walking down the high street on a busy Saturday afternoon!
I've managed to make a breakthrough discovery...and please don't despair as this blog isn't intended to alienate anyone who doesn't like football, as this blog isn't entirely about the subject!
Hopefully it will appeal to the lads (football) and also appeal to the ladies (shopping)?
So what have I discovered, you may well ask?
Well, I've found a link between the performance of our national football team on the pitch and the typical behaviour encountered on a Saturday afternoon on the high street!
First ~ a challenge:
I challenge anyone to pick any busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, and attempt to walk in a straight line...I bet you can't do it!
Why? Because everybody else seems to walk with their heads down, completely unaware of what's happening around them.
People walk out of shops at right angles and right into your path.
People walk towards you and have no idea that you are approaching.
People directly in front of you will suddenly stop for no apparent reason.
Or generally people are just completely oblivious to the fact that you even exist!
I kid you not...try it for yourself ~ I guarantee that you will have to move sideways or alter your course, and that you'll be unable to walk in a straight line .
It resembles a scene similar to the one in the video for The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony', when Richard Ashcroft walks down the street bumping into everyone he meets.
(This seems very appropiate when you also consider that ITV have adopted this music into their opening titles & ad breaks of their England football coverage).
Maybe this is what you should do - crash into everyone in your immediate path? Lol.
Now, you may well ask: "What the hell has this got to do with football?"
Quite simply I've realised the correlation between the performance of the Saturday afternoon high street pedestrian/shopper and the performance of the Saturday afternoon English football player.
With the one notable exception of Jack Wilshire (pictured), our nation doesn't possess a single footballer who can play with his head-up ~ in fact we haven't produced anyone since Gazza who is comfortable on the ball and who is prepared to run at defenders from the centre of the park. They all play with their eyes on the ground, firmly fixed on the ball, unaware of what's around them and possess very limited vision...(another notable exception would probably have to be Paul Scholes!)
Now if you consider that these footballers are bred from the same stereotype as the Saturday afternoon shopper, then it's no wonder we breed stereotypical English footballers!
Well, that's my opinion anyway.
I think all the national football coaches should bring their players down to a busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, toss them a ball and let them get on with it.
If they can avoid the mad shoppers and keep hold of the ball, then rival Spanish, Brazilian, Dutch, Italian, or German opposition should be no problem at all...should it?
Ramblin' Steve
After my previous heartbreaking blog, 'Sad Times', I thought it would be best to lighten the mood with a rather jokey observation after experiencing on many occassions the nightmare that is walking down the high street on a busy Saturday afternoon!
I've managed to make a breakthrough discovery...and please don't despair as this blog isn't intended to alienate anyone who doesn't like football, as this blog isn't entirely about the subject!
Hopefully it will appeal to the lads (football) and also appeal to the ladies (shopping)?
So what have I discovered, you may well ask?
Well, I've found a link between the performance of our national football team on the pitch and the typical behaviour encountered on a Saturday afternoon on the high street!
First ~ a challenge:
I challenge anyone to pick any busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, and attempt to walk in a straight line...I bet you can't do it!
Why? Because everybody else seems to walk with their heads down, completely unaware of what's happening around them.
People walk out of shops at right angles and right into your path.
People walk towards you and have no idea that you are approaching.
People directly in front of you will suddenly stop for no apparent reason.
Or generally people are just completely oblivious to the fact that you even exist!
I kid you not...try it for yourself ~ I guarantee that you will have to move sideways or alter your course, and that you'll be unable to walk in a straight line .
It resembles a scene similar to the one in the video for The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony', when Richard Ashcroft walks down the street bumping into everyone he meets.
(This seems very appropiate when you also consider that ITV have adopted this music into their opening titles & ad breaks of their England football coverage).
Maybe this is what you should do - crash into everyone in your immediate path? Lol.
Now, you may well ask: "What the hell has this got to do with football?"
Quite simply I've realised the correlation between the performance of the Saturday afternoon high street pedestrian/shopper and the performance of the Saturday afternoon English football player.
With the one notable exception of Jack Wilshire (pictured), our nation doesn't possess a single footballer who can play with his head-up ~ in fact we haven't produced anyone since Gazza who is comfortable on the ball and who is prepared to run at defenders from the centre of the park. They all play with their eyes on the ground, firmly fixed on the ball, unaware of what's around them and possess very limited vision...(another notable exception would probably have to be Paul Scholes!)
Now if you consider that these footballers are bred from the same stereotype as the Saturday afternoon shopper, then it's no wonder we breed stereotypical English footballers!
Well, that's my opinion anyway.
I think all the national football coaches should bring their players down to a busy high street on a Saturday afternoon, toss them a ball and let them get on with it.
If they can avoid the mad shoppers and keep hold of the ball, then rival Spanish, Brazilian, Dutch, Italian, or German opposition should be no problem at all...should it?
Ramblin' Steve
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sad Times
"No one leaves you when you live in their heart and mind
And no one dies ~ they just move to the other side..."
'Sad Times' reflects on the recently confirmed news that someone especially close to me who I dearly love is living on borrowed time due to severe ill health. This is devestating enough, but when you add in all the other mitigating circumstances and the tragic recent history involved...well, it really does tear me to pieces inside and breaks my heart.
The 'relationship' between this special lady and myself has remained mainly secret to most people for the past two years due to a rather messy divorce that she is going through, but we both know how we feel towards each other and that's all that matters to us.
Close friends and family have an idea of what we've been going through these past two years, in terms of trying to cope with all the trials and tribulations that we've both encountered, and when it seems that events have been conspiring all around us to prevent us being together.
She won't thank me for discussing these issues, but in the true tradition of not being a 'kiss-and-tell' kind of guy, I won't refer to her by name, and there are no mutual friends who are likely to read this blog anyway.
Nor shall I go into all the details of her illness, as this doesn't serve any purpose to anyone ~ I don't want to dwell on the past ~ I want to make the most of the present and of the limited future.
The full extent and timeframe of how long she has left remains undecided ~ I guess that depends greatly on her own fight and will to live, as well as the next round of hospital tests and results ~ all I can do is try to make the time that she has left as memorable as possible for the right reasons.
She's a stubborn lady too!
I've been asking her to lean on me and let me do whatever I can to help her cope, but she just says that she can't bring herself to load me with the burden. I know she has enough on her plate and that her family must take priority in her life at the moment, especially her supportive parents, and even more importantly her two lovely young daughters. She's taking each day as it comes, and she's trying to be brave for everyone, but it's so tragic and so sad that someone so young and so beautiful can be taken away so prematurely in life.
Quite what she has done to deserve this terrible luck is totally beyond me, as she's had a hard enough life up to now as it is. I'm so proud of her for her bravery and her spirit and it only serves to makes me love her even more.
I know she's been struggling to get her head around the whole matter, and I guess now it's my turn.
I'm worried sick about her, especially as I'm fifty miles away and reliant on phone calls and text messages, but I know it doesn't do anyone any good if I don't take care of myself...she may well be out of sight, but she is definitely in my thoughts always. I may not be eating or sleeping properly at the moment, but that's a small price to pay compared with what she's going through.
But it's hard to read the despair in her messages and to hear the emotion in her voice, and it leaves me with a sense of helplessness when all I want to do is take away the pain and the hurt that she's experiencing.
Now is not the time for feeling sorry for myself ~ I've just got to be strong for her and be here for her whenever she needs me. All I can do is keep myself occupied, by a combination of throwing myself into my work and by keeping myself as busy as best I can when I'm outside of work, which I mostly do by reading and writing which helps me deal with things.
What I mustn't do is sink into the bottom of a bottle and wallow in self-pity.
She knows my phone is on 24/7 and I'll be right by her side should she so wish. In the meantime I just have to respect her wishes, whilst she deals with everything in her own way. The long bouts of silence can be difficult to accept, but my understanding and patience both serve me well in this respect.
I'll forever try to remain upbeat and positive, because that's my nature, and I'll always try to keep a smile on my face as best I can.
I hope that once her divorce is finalised then we can finally be together, because even if it isn't forever I'd rather be with her for a short while than not be with her at all.
After all we've gone through during the past two years, we both finally thought that we were overcoming all the obstacles that had been put in our way, and that the light was at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately we've now both come to realise that it is a different kind of light that she is awaiting...
Live every moment ♥ Laugh every day ♥ Love beyond words ♥
Ramblin' Steve
And no one dies ~ they just move to the other side..."
'Sad Times' reflects on the recently confirmed news that someone especially close to me who I dearly love is living on borrowed time due to severe ill health. This is devestating enough, but when you add in all the other mitigating circumstances and the tragic recent history involved...well, it really does tear me to pieces inside and breaks my heart.
The 'relationship' between this special lady and myself has remained mainly secret to most people for the past two years due to a rather messy divorce that she is going through, but we both know how we feel towards each other and that's all that matters to us.
Close friends and family have an idea of what we've been going through these past two years, in terms of trying to cope with all the trials and tribulations that we've both encountered, and when it seems that events have been conspiring all around us to prevent us being together.
She won't thank me for discussing these issues, but in the true tradition of not being a 'kiss-and-tell' kind of guy, I won't refer to her by name, and there are no mutual friends who are likely to read this blog anyway.
Nor shall I go into all the details of her illness, as this doesn't serve any purpose to anyone ~ I don't want to dwell on the past ~ I want to make the most of the present and of the limited future.
The full extent and timeframe of how long she has left remains undecided ~ I guess that depends greatly on her own fight and will to live, as well as the next round of hospital tests and results ~ all I can do is try to make the time that she has left as memorable as possible for the right reasons.
She's a stubborn lady too!
I've been asking her to lean on me and let me do whatever I can to help her cope, but she just says that she can't bring herself to load me with the burden. I know she has enough on her plate and that her family must take priority in her life at the moment, especially her supportive parents, and even more importantly her two lovely young daughters. She's taking each day as it comes, and she's trying to be brave for everyone, but it's so tragic and so sad that someone so young and so beautiful can be taken away so prematurely in life.
Quite what she has done to deserve this terrible luck is totally beyond me, as she's had a hard enough life up to now as it is. I'm so proud of her for her bravery and her spirit and it only serves to makes me love her even more.
I know she's been struggling to get her head around the whole matter, and I guess now it's my turn.
I'm worried sick about her, especially as I'm fifty miles away and reliant on phone calls and text messages, but I know it doesn't do anyone any good if I don't take care of myself...she may well be out of sight, but she is definitely in my thoughts always. I may not be eating or sleeping properly at the moment, but that's a small price to pay compared with what she's going through.
But it's hard to read the despair in her messages and to hear the emotion in her voice, and it leaves me with a sense of helplessness when all I want to do is take away the pain and the hurt that she's experiencing.
Now is not the time for feeling sorry for myself ~ I've just got to be strong for her and be here for her whenever she needs me. All I can do is keep myself occupied, by a combination of throwing myself into my work and by keeping myself as busy as best I can when I'm outside of work, which I mostly do by reading and writing which helps me deal with things.
What I mustn't do is sink into the bottom of a bottle and wallow in self-pity.
She knows my phone is on 24/7 and I'll be right by her side should she so wish. In the meantime I just have to respect her wishes, whilst she deals with everything in her own way. The long bouts of silence can be difficult to accept, but my understanding and patience both serve me well in this respect.
I'll forever try to remain upbeat and positive, because that's my nature, and I'll always try to keep a smile on my face as best I can.
I hope that once her divorce is finalised then we can finally be together, because even if it isn't forever I'd rather be with her for a short while than not be with her at all.
After all we've gone through during the past two years, we both finally thought that we were overcoming all the obstacles that had been put in our way, and that the light was at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately we've now both come to realise that it is a different kind of light that she is awaiting...
Live every moment ♥ Laugh every day ♥ Love beyond words ♥
Ramblin' Steve
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Patience of a Saint
"You know, I would rather have one year of wonderful than seventy years of mediocre. That's how I feel about it. Life's an unknown. You don't know. Nobody knows."
The above quote comes from Kik, the then girlfriend of Lance Armstrong, when asked why she would consider marrying a cancer patient.
I have recently re-read Lance Armstrong's book 'It's Not About the Bike ~ My Journey Back to Life', for means of aquiring further inspiration as I endeavour to live upto my previous self-proclaimed status as a 'goodness guru'. I don't believe that I am truly blessed with such qualities, but whilst remaining humble and modest I do know that I possess a good sense of kindness and understanding, and I additionally know that my greatest strength is undoubtably my patience.
This patience has been severely tested over the years on numerous occassions, yet I remain confident in the knowledge that no matter what life has thrown at me, I've dealt with it in a calm and patient manner, and I've always tried to look at things with an 'as-positive-as-possible' attitude.
The other reason I've re-read Lance Armstrong's book is to try to gain an insight into the mentality and physche of a person struggling to triumph over adversity. The best thing about this book is that it pulls no punches. It's a gritty realistic account of one mans fight against cancer, and describes in depth the real reactions to undergoing chemotherapy, and the effect that cancer has on the body and the mind.
Above all, what really inspires me is his determination to conquer this battle against cancer and confront it head-on.
A few people who are extremely close to me have recently encountered various personal problems and troubles, be it with their health, spirit or mentality, and they've turned to me for advice, help and support. Everybody deals with things in their own way, some people are happy to open up; others can shut you out ~ but there is no right or wrong way to deal with these personal issues.
All I can offer...and always will offer, is the simplicity of just being there for them.
I'm prepared to give all the love and care unconditionally, in order to help them through their tough times.
I listen, I understand, I offer advice where appropriate, I provide them with all the support they need, and
generally I just make myself available to them 24/7 as someone that they can lean on.
If these are the qualities that make me a 'goodness guru' as one friend calls me, then that's all well and good, but I just like to think that I'm being a kind and understanding soul.
I too have been a lost soul or a lost cause at various stages in my life, which is why as mentioned previously I can identify with St.Jude, the patron saint of lost souls...and if my only saintly attribute is my patience then I intend to use this quality to help others as best I can.
I firmly believe that giving is better than receiving, and I shall maintain this mantra for as long as I live.
I shall also continue to give all the love, care and support to those people in my life in need of it, and to those who are most deserving of it...I'm no saint but I do try to be good!
Ramblin' Steve
The above quote comes from Kik, the then girlfriend of Lance Armstrong, when asked why she would consider marrying a cancer patient.
I have recently re-read Lance Armstrong's book 'It's Not About the Bike ~ My Journey Back to Life', for means of aquiring further inspiration as I endeavour to live upto my previous self-proclaimed status as a 'goodness guru'. I don't believe that I am truly blessed with such qualities, but whilst remaining humble and modest I do know that I possess a good sense of kindness and understanding, and I additionally know that my greatest strength is undoubtably my patience.
This patience has been severely tested over the years on numerous occassions, yet I remain confident in the knowledge that no matter what life has thrown at me, I've dealt with it in a calm and patient manner, and I've always tried to look at things with an 'as-positive-as-possible' attitude.
The other reason I've re-read Lance Armstrong's book is to try to gain an insight into the mentality and physche of a person struggling to triumph over adversity. The best thing about this book is that it pulls no punches. It's a gritty realistic account of one mans fight against cancer, and describes in depth the real reactions to undergoing chemotherapy, and the effect that cancer has on the body and the mind.
Above all, what really inspires me is his determination to conquer this battle against cancer and confront it head-on.
A few people who are extremely close to me have recently encountered various personal problems and troubles, be it with their health, spirit or mentality, and they've turned to me for advice, help and support. Everybody deals with things in their own way, some people are happy to open up; others can shut you out ~ but there is no right or wrong way to deal with these personal issues.
All I can offer...and always will offer, is the simplicity of just being there for them.
I'm prepared to give all the love and care unconditionally, in order to help them through their tough times.
I listen, I understand, I offer advice where appropriate, I provide them with all the support they need, and
generally I just make myself available to them 24/7 as someone that they can lean on.
If these are the qualities that make me a 'goodness guru' as one friend calls me, then that's all well and good, but I just like to think that I'm being a kind and understanding soul.
I too have been a lost soul or a lost cause at various stages in my life, which is why as mentioned previously I can identify with St.Jude, the patron saint of lost souls...and if my only saintly attribute is my patience then I intend to use this quality to help others as best I can.
I firmly believe that giving is better than receiving, and I shall maintain this mantra for as long as I live.
I shall also continue to give all the love, care and support to those people in my life in need of it, and to those who are most deserving of it...I'm no saint but I do try to be good!
Ramblin' Steve
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