The Full Reasons Why...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know.
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

Well, the idea of this blog is to try to explain exactly what I am thinking.
Some people have asked me why Cancer Research UK, and whilst I know that it's a worthy cause in its' own right, for me there are very personal reasons why I've undertaken this project to both raise funds and awareness, as the lads and myself embark on our trek next month by walking The South Downs Way.

I've always adhered to the principle that 'gentlemen don't kiss-and-tell', but by writing about certain details of a personal nature I don't fear that I'm neccesarily violating this code, and this is my kind of therapy by making my thoughts and feelings known. Nor am I looking for any sympathy, as I know that I may well be hurting whilst trying to put on a brave face, but this is nothing compared to what my loved one has, and still is, going through. I may well go out on occassion to try to have some fun, and maybe even enjoy flirting with the ladies, but the truth is that it's all an act, as my heart forever belongs to this special lady, and I miss her every day more than I can ever convey in words.
To say I've been through a tough time of late is stating the obvious, but then again, this is nothing to what she has had to live through...forget me trying to put on a brave face ~ she's the really brave one! But I have been bottling up my emotions over the whole situation, and the best way for me personally to deal with these feelings is to try to express my thoughts through my writing, whilst retaining the neccesary sensitivity to the situation, and attempting to continue to protect her as best I can...although it's tough from fifty miles away without any contact whatsoever!

We first met over three years ago, although our feelings for each other didn't really consume us for over a year later. She was a sweet lady with a naughty laugh, and she had a very cheeky, natural manner which I took to straight away. She had two lovely young girls who I grew to love as equally as her, but she was going through a very messy divorce. So we began to conduct a courtship in secret, so as not to effect the divorce proceedings, and that was how we forged our relationship over the next few years.

I used to pop up to see her, stay over and travel back on the first train in the morning. We would grab what few stolen moments we could, and although they were never enough for me, I would appreciate any precious times that we were able to share together.
As two years approached of her being legally seperated from her estranged husband, we were both looking optimistically towards the future and setting up home together...when she was struck down by the devastating news that she had contracted cancer of the oesophagus!

At the time of the diagnosis it wasn't thought that the condition was terminal, but due to her other medical conditions it was soon confirmed that she would only have a maximum of two years left to live.
Unfortunately, she also suffers from anaphylaxis, meaning that she can't come into contact with anything containing rubber or latex, and the only possible operation available which may prolong her life requires a latex baloon to be sewn into her stomach, which apparently once inflated prevents the cancer from spreading, but this obviously can't be done as she'd die from an anapholatic shock on the operating table.

Over the ensuing months I offered all the love and support that I could, but inevitably this wasn't enough.
She made the decision that she couldn't put me through the agony of watching her slip away, and she made me promise to try to move on with my life. I found that I couldn't do this as it's not in my nature to turn away somebody that I love, and I like to think of myself as a kind and understanding man, with unlimited patience, so I genuinely felt I could still offer her something in her remaining years...but alas, it wasn't meant to be.
She remained insistent that I should move on, despite my offer to give up everything to take care of her, so I have very reluctantly respected her wishes...although it breaks my heart and tears me apart, as I just wish that I could do something for her.

So rather than wallowing in self-pity or drowning my sorrows in the bottle of a bottle, I chose to try to raise awareness and funds in aid of Cancer Research UK, which is why I thought up the idea of doing The South Downs Way trek for charity.
It won't ever bring her back to me, but she knows that she's in my thoughts, and the last contact I had from her indicated that she was still thinking of me too. Hopefully, she'll be proud of what I'm trying to achieve, and all of my efforts will not totally be in vain?

Please find my link to my 'Just Giving' donations page below, as I swear that my heart and soul is in this cause, and I thank you all for your continual support.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

The next few lines which follow on from the opening lyrics to this blog are:

"take me to the fantastic place, keep the rest of my life away.
 take me to the island, I'll watch the rain over your shoulder,
 the streetlights in the water, the moment outside of real life..."

Well, the 'fantastic place' and the 'island' are perfect personal references for New Zealand, and my future holiday where I get to see my lovely friend, Ange...aka the TWL, and a little bit of sunshine will be restored into my life...needless to say, I can't wait!

Ramblin' Steve