The Full Reasons Why...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know.
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

Well, the idea of this blog is to try to explain exactly what I am thinking.
Some people have asked me why Cancer Research UK, and whilst I know that it's a worthy cause in its' own right, for me there are very personal reasons why I've undertaken this project to both raise funds and awareness, as the lads and myself embark on our trek next month by walking The South Downs Way.

I've always adhered to the principle that 'gentlemen don't kiss-and-tell', but by writing about certain details of a personal nature I don't fear that I'm neccesarily violating this code, and this is my kind of therapy by making my thoughts and feelings known. Nor am I looking for any sympathy, as I know that I may well be hurting whilst trying to put on a brave face, but this is nothing compared to what my loved one has, and still is, going through. I may well go out on occassion to try to have some fun, and maybe even enjoy flirting with the ladies, but the truth is that it's all an act, as my heart forever belongs to this special lady, and I miss her every day more than I can ever convey in words.
To say I've been through a tough time of late is stating the obvious, but then again, this is nothing to what she has had to live through...forget me trying to put on a brave face ~ she's the really brave one! But I have been bottling up my emotions over the whole situation, and the best way for me personally to deal with these feelings is to try to express my thoughts through my writing, whilst retaining the neccesary sensitivity to the situation, and attempting to continue to protect her as best I can...although it's tough from fifty miles away without any contact whatsoever!

We first met over three years ago, although our feelings for each other didn't really consume us for over a year later. She was a sweet lady with a naughty laugh, and she had a very cheeky, natural manner which I took to straight away. She had two lovely young girls who I grew to love as equally as her, but she was going through a very messy divorce. So we began to conduct a courtship in secret, so as not to effect the divorce proceedings, and that was how we forged our relationship over the next few years.

I used to pop up to see her, stay over and travel back on the first train in the morning. We would grab what few stolen moments we could, and although they were never enough for me, I would appreciate any precious times that we were able to share together.
As two years approached of her being legally seperated from her estranged husband, we were both looking optimistically towards the future and setting up home together...when she was struck down by the devastating news that she had contracted cancer of the oesophagus!

At the time of the diagnosis it wasn't thought that the condition was terminal, but due to her other medical conditions it was soon confirmed that she would only have a maximum of two years left to live.
Unfortunately, she also suffers from anaphylaxis, meaning that she can't come into contact with anything containing rubber or latex, and the only possible operation available which may prolong her life requires a latex baloon to be sewn into her stomach, which apparently once inflated prevents the cancer from spreading, but this obviously can't be done as she'd die from an anapholatic shock on the operating table.

Over the ensuing months I offered all the love and support that I could, but inevitably this wasn't enough.
She made the decision that she couldn't put me through the agony of watching her slip away, and she made me promise to try to move on with my life. I found that I couldn't do this as it's not in my nature to turn away somebody that I love, and I like to think of myself as a kind and understanding man, with unlimited patience, so I genuinely felt I could still offer her something in her remaining years...but alas, it wasn't meant to be.
She remained insistent that I should move on, despite my offer to give up everything to take care of her, so I have very reluctantly respected her wishes...although it breaks my heart and tears me apart, as I just wish that I could do something for her.

So rather than wallowing in self-pity or drowning my sorrows in the bottle of a bottle, I chose to try to raise awareness and funds in aid of Cancer Research UK, which is why I thought up the idea of doing The South Downs Way trek for charity.
It won't ever bring her back to me, but she knows that she's in my thoughts, and the last contact I had from her indicated that she was still thinking of me too. Hopefully, she'll be proud of what I'm trying to achieve, and all of my efforts will not totally be in vain?

Please find my link to my 'Just Giving' donations page below, as I swear that my heart and soul is in this cause, and I thank you all for your continual support.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

The next few lines which follow on from the opening lyrics to this blog are:

"take me to the fantastic place, keep the rest of my life away.
 take me to the island, I'll watch the rain over your shoulder,
 the streetlights in the water, the moment outside of real life..."

Well, the 'fantastic place' and the 'island' are perfect personal references for New Zealand, and my future holiday where I get to see my lovely friend, Ange...aka the TWL, and a little bit of sunshine will be restored into my life...needless to say, I can't wait!

Ramblin' Steve

Less Than Two Months To Go...

"Together we will beat cancer" ~ CANCER RESEARCH UK =>

The South Downs Way Charity Trek ~ 23rd - 27th April 2012 in aid of Cancer Research UK.

After experiencing some technical problems due to an upgraded interface and connecting browser, I am pleased to announce that normal service has been resumed and the 'Ramblin' Man!' blog is up and running once again. 'Running' isn't really the apt description, as it should be 'walking'' due to the nature of the blog!

There is now less than two months to go before the lads and myself embark on our trek for charity, and everything is coming together nicely. As previously reported the donations have been flooding in, far beyond anything that I could have ever imagined, and I am extremely grateful for everybody's support.

I had hoped to gain some additional media support and coverage with the help of Sally Huggins, who is the Local Supporter Fundraising Area Volunteer Manager from Cancer Research UK, but unfortunately our intended meeting had to be cancelled - this is due to be re-scheduled for March 8th, so hopefully further details will follow.

Me and the lads are shortly holding our second meeting, with regards to logistical arrangements amongst other things, and it will give us a chance to see how we're doing with our own respective sponsorship pages.
My link as ever is at the foot of every one of my blogs, as well as below. The other lads will hopefully communicate their specific details through their own methods.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

Although I have greatly enjoyed organising this event, I know I couldn't have done it without the support of the lads, and whilst I know that I have personal reasons for wanting to raise funds for this worthy cause, I'm also aware that there are many others who are similarly touched and effected. The whole campaign has proved slightly overwhelming at times, but I am determined to see it through and do as well as I possible can.
Once this is all over, despite inevitably being drained physically and emotionally, I will at least know we have all contributed to a remarkable event which has grown beyond all my wildest expectations.
Incidentally, my next blog will be entitled, 'The Full Reasons Why...' and will try to explain exactly why Cancer Research UK is the cause closest to my heart.

Maybe then I can turn my attentions to another personal milestone this year...and my much anticipated return to New Zealand, and catching up with the great people of Christchurch & my dear friend, Angela Paul.
Until next time, may I wish you all well & thanks for all of your support.

Ramblin' Steve

Something To Look Forward To

"Start every day as if it was on purpose".

The above quote was actually taken from a bookmark I recently discovered whilst sorting out some of my belongings, which was taken when I stayed in The Chateau On The Park hotel in Christchurch, New Zealand in March 2009...but more about that later.

Although I firmly believe you should always try to live in the 'moment', I also believe that everyone should always have something to look forward to.
I'm fortunate enough to be able to experience both at present, as 'The South Downs Way' charity walk in aid of Cancer Research UK offers the ongoing opportunity of getting involved in organising the event now, as well as looking forward to actually participating in the trek itself in the future in a few months time.

Incidentally, my initial target for donations has already been surpassed!
At the risk of repeating myself, may I thank everyone who has so far sponsored me ~ what originally started out as a personal quest to raise a few quid for a worthy cause, has grown into a serious campaign.
Please find the link to my donations page below:

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

A fortnight before the walk, I hope to visit the west country when I intend to catch up with my great friends Jimi & Denn, in Cheltenham, and then Trace, and my old drinking buddy Posty Dave in Batheaston.

Then over the Diamond Jubilee Bank Holiday weekend in early June, I am scheduled to fly over to see my 'family' in Ireland, and share a few jars with Glenn & Ruth, and also catch up with the lads to enjoy the 'craik' as only the Irish do.

But other than these plans and the charity campaign, my main focus is returning to New Zealand, and so back to my opening reference and that hotel...

I have the wonderful thought of preparing to celebrate my 45th birthday in October in the place which is forever closest to my heart...even if it just happens to be on the other side of the world!
Constantly at the back of my mind is the thought of visiting Christchurch once again. This great city which was devastated by that awful earthquake, continues to get aftershocks (10,000 and counting!), but that doesn't deter me from wanting to return. I have some very fond memories of my stay at the aforementioned Chateau hotel. In fact, I've just received notice that the hotel is currently undergoing further repairs from all the damage that the earthquake caused, greatly reducing its' capacity and availability, but hopefully by the time I visit some form of normal service will have resumed.

My great Kiwi friend in Christchurch, Ange remains a very special and precious lady in my eyes, and I feel very lucky that she's still in my life. Catching up with her is the main reason why I'm looking forward to returning to my 'spiritual home' ~ she's forever been scheming up ways of getting me back to NZ, and offering to help me out anyway that she can ~ TWL...you are one helluva girl & I love ya to bits! ♥
I'm obviously also intending to spend some time amongst the lakes and mountains, and revisit some of my other favourite places such as Queenstown and Wanaka.

So you can clearly see from all of this that... 'I do indeed have much to look forward to'!

I'll be taking a little break until my next blog, and I will then be concentrating on the main subject matter of 'Ramblin' Man!' which is the charity event in aid of Cancer Research UK.
This will include an update on the progress of the campaign, as well as feedback from a meeting with a fundraising representative, due to be held shortly.

Until then, stay happy, be safe & take care x

Ramblin' Steve

The Heart Of The Matter

"looking back across the years, the good times and the bad all echo in my mind,
 whispered on a breeze, sweet and bitter memories, of all I left behind..."

Valentine's Day ♥ ~ always a tough time if you are single like me, or worse still, if you've only recently become single...but keep your spirits up as you never know what awaits you around the next corner?

A mate of mine told me the other week, that he felt I was a 'wise man'; another close friend calls me her 'Goodness Guru'; yet I just view myself as a kind and caring soul, who happens to be a good listener and someone who can also occassionally offer some well intended advice.
In fact I actually think I'm more suited to being called a silly old fool, who's just a 'hopeless romantic'.
I haven't exactly got a great track record when it comes to women ~ I love 'em to bits, but all I've learned in life is that the more I actually know about 'em, the less I really understand!

All I will say to all the other singles out there is, "don't despair because our time will come one day...all good things come to those who wait, and good things happen to good people."

And to all the couples I say, "be thankful for what you've got, and make sure you spoil each other rotten every chance you get...and not just on Valentine's Day!"

As for me...well, obviously as recent blogs clearly indicate, I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend, and under her personal tragic circumstances I know that I will almost certainly find it impossible to lose those feelings.
But other than that, my heart belongs to a place right now, rather than a lady...although there is a certain TWL in this wonderous place, who always perks me up! ♥

Next weeks blog offers an optimistic look to the future ~ specifically with regards to my travelling adventures to come ~ a 'family' reunion in Ireland beckons, as does a New Zealand 'homecoming'! (Just for you, Ange!)

Finally, I may have been going through a tough time of late, but I just wanted to say thanks to Elona for saying the right things at the right time, and for her continual friendship, love and support ♥

Whatever your situation, enjoy Valentine's Day! ♥

Ramblin' Steve

Bad Timing

"Just when I thought I'd seen the last of you
 you come here scratchin' at my door
 your pain and anger's in the howling dark
 of every corridor I walk..."

After my previous blog 'Nervous Anticipation', it was ironic that on all days possible, my ex-girlfriend chose World Cancer Day to get in touch after three long months of total silence.
As I stated then, I offered to give everything up to be with her and her young girls, only to be rejected and told that it was for the best for me to move on.
Reluctantly, that is exactly what I've been trying to do although at times it still hurts like hell.

The specifics of the communication will forever remain private ~ gentlemen don't kiss and tell ~ but the emotions and feelings inevitably came flooding back, as the past was raked up.
What ultimately confuses me and messes me up is that the general message from her was that she misses me, she still thinks of me, but she rejected me because she wanted me to move on.
But this leaves me with one simple question...so why contact me now?

I've spent the past week comforting a mate going through some troubles of his own, and trying to be strong for him, which has proved tough sometimes as I can draw comparisons between our two situations.
On hearing from my ex-girlfriend the temptation was to wallow in self pity and crawl into the bottom of a bottle... but I've been there and done that, so not again.

Fortunately, I have the charity event in April to keep my thoughts occupied, and I'm extremely happy to report that I've nearly hit my target already! A big thank you goes out to all those who've donated so far.
Please find my link to my 'Just Giving' donations page below:

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

So the cause goes on...
I spent my troubled weekend walking 15 miles plus, on both Saturday and Sunday.
I must confess that my legs are aching a wee bit as I write this blog, but a little pain is a small price to pay for what I'm setting out to achieve. In a few months time, I will need to walk on average 20 miles per day for five consectutive days, so I still have plenty of time to condition myself and maintain my fitness.

The South Downs Way - 100 miles from Winchester to Eastbourne - April 23rd to 27th
in aid of Cancer Research UK.

Finally, thanks to the few close friends that I've confided in, and please be assured that I will never sink to the depths of a few years ago ~ excuse the rather ironic pun in the circumstances, but...
'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'.

Ramblin' Steve

Nervous Anticipation

"Together it is possible"

The above statement is the theme for this year's World Cancer Day on Saturday February 4th, which is why I've published my latest blog originally due next week, slightly earlier than expected.

As The South Downs Way charity event in aid of Cancer Research UK fast approaches ~ it is now only just over 11 weeks away ~ I find myself in a slightly worrying state of nervous anticipation.
What originally started out as a personal quest to try to raise a few funds, has evolved into quite a major campaign, and all of our combined efforts have significantly raised the bar.

Back in the late summer last year, I was due to fly out to New Zealand and attend my friends' wedding in Christchurch. Unfortunately, due to the devastating earthquake which had previously shaken the city this had to be postponed, and I found myself at a bit of a loose end.

~ Don't worry Ange...I'm coming 'home' later this year instead, I promise! ~

Around this time I also had to contend with the tragic news that my then girlfriend had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Despite my offer to use my holiday to look after her & her young girls whilst she attended chemotherapy treatment, she felt it best if I kept my distance ~ a rejection which ultimately caused us to drift apart forever.
In my frustation that I was helpless, I decided that I needed to keep myself busy and throw myself into a 'project'...and what could be better under the circumstances than organising an event to raise awareness and funds for the very same cause that had effectively taken her away from me.

So here I am, six months later in the midst of fundraising activity, feeling a little bit out of my 'comfort zone', but endeavouring to finish what I started. I have been considerably overwhelmed by the support that the campaign has so far received, and the donations and personal messages that people have sent me have genuinely left me deeply touched.
The support I've also gained by the other lads who have chosen to join me on my quest, has also had a profound effect on me. Especially Curph for 'stumping' up the inital cash for some of the accomodation deposits, and Jon for taking some of the pressure off my shoulders by booking additional places, and by getting his parents involved...cheers lads ~ it's very much appreciated, believe me!

I now realise that Lou was just one individual who touched my life, but there are thousands out there who are similarly effected, and it is to all of these brave souls that I'll continue to strive to achieve my goals.

And finally...
Congratulations to another dear friend, Trace, who after being overdue for over a week has finally given birth to her second beautiful baby girl...much love to you & all your family hun xx

Ramblin' Steve