Crisis Of Conscience

"And the only sign of life is the ticking of the pen,
 introducing characters to memories like old friends,
 frantic as a cardiograph scratching out the lines
 a fever of confession, a catalogue of crime..."

I currently find myself with an element of doubt; a crisis of conscience.
I'm continually striving to become a better person, and a better man, but recent developments has caused me to question my intentions and motives. The one good thing about being single is that it gives you time to think, although this can be counter-productive as sometimes you can overdo the thinking, or second-guess everything that is going on around you...especially when it effects your thoughts concerning the special people in your life.

Fingers crossed, I'm all set to be moving into my new home as previously stated. The owner has come back to me confirming that she's in agreement with the financial side of things, it's just a case of her sorting out my references ~ she even kindly said that I could move in earlier than planned to make it easier for me, by allowing me to move in the weekend before my 'official' moving in date!
It will also be a wrench to leave my existing home, shared with my flat mate Josie (pictured), but she recognises that this is too good an opportunity to pass up, and in her own words, " it's a lush flat!"

A big part of moving into my new home was to commence a regime of change, and to allow me to make a fresh start (again!). Although I received some lovely comments from close friends saying that there was no need to change my ways (thanks again Trace, Jane, and The TWL!), I still feel the need to maybe isolate myself a little and return to a hermit like existence, even if it's just for a short while to regain a certain sanity and sense of perspective.

I recently enjoyed a lovely lunch with a very dear friend (thanks Elona), and this made me think even more about this...Elona is one of many female friends I have in my life, just like the three mentioned above, who mean the world to me as friends. On top of that I have other female friends at work who I regularly socialise with, or innocently take out to lunch, and they are all individuals who I genuinely care about as I value their friendship and enjoy their company.

But what is it about the fact that they are so comfortable with me?
I take it as a compliment for sure, and it's great that they can feel so comfortable in my presence, as they are all either married or have boyfriends in their lives. Take a look at my Facebook friends and you'll see the ladies outnumber the fella's about five-to-one!
But, why is it that I get on so well with women yet I remain single?
All of these ladies seem to appreciate me...although I'm never really sure why!
It's definitely not my charm and good looks!
Hopefully it's all because I'm a good listener, and they know that I'm an honest guy.
Hopefully they also know that they can trust me, confide in me if neccesary, and they know that I fully respect them as I'd never cross the line by forgetting that they are in relationships.

And this is where the crisis of conscience kicks-in!
What if I'm wrong?
There have been a couple of recent incidents where the 'boundaries' had to be re-established.
Maybe I'm over-thinking the issue, and I should just be quietly grateful as I'm a very lucky fella!
Maybe it's because I'm in touch with my feminine side?
Or maybe it's just that I can't resist a pretty face?
But in all seriousness, I really appreciate all of their friendships and I'd never intentionally do anything to betray their trust in me.

For the forseeable future I intend to return to my batchelor ways, live in my batchelor pad, and enjoy a rather simplistic way of life ~ I may well have been guilty of being too kind and generous in the past, so maybe it's time to be a little selfish and put myself first for a change...but as anyone who knows me well can testify, this isn't a natural process for me! Also it must be added...I have no regrets about my past acts of generosity as I know that I've made a difference to some very special ladies in my life.

Obviously I have many male friends too, who I can always count on when needed, and we can go out for a pint and enjoy a laugh, but I think it simply comes down to the following observation I once heard when comparing the differences in the sexes:

"Woman get together to share and talk about their problems;
 Men get together to get away and forget about theirs..."

Enough said...so where does that leave me?
All answers gratefully received and appreciated...especially from the ladies! Lol.

Ramblin' Steve