Happy Ever After...?

"Drive the road to your surrender,
 Time comes around out of my hands..."

When I originally started writing my first series of blogs a few years ago (please see link below), it was with the aim to find myself, and find out where I actually belonged in this world.

http://aspiritualjourneytofindahome.blogspot.com/

These blogs eventually developed under the 'Ramblin' Man!' identity, with the recurring theme of travelling and of me continually moving around from location to location. During the course of my journey I've been fortunate to meet some wonderful people and make some special friends. Many of these wonderful people I've met on the course of my great adventure had an innate appreciation that things don't need to be extraordinary to be beautiful. They are so genuine and they are the real unsung heroes and heroines in this world. They understand that there is a deep beauty within ordinariness, and they possess a lack of desire for richness and sparkliness; the kind of beauty that can be found in people's eyes and in their hearts and souls.

Now seems an appropriate time to finally sign off, as after all...the 'Ramblin' Man' is no more!
After much searching my new home has now been found, and in a few short weeks I'll be happily moving into a lovely annexe apartment, two miles outside of the cathedral city of Chichester, where I work. (thanks for your help in advance with the transport, mini gg & peanut!)
Recently my blog has encountered some rogue infiltrators, resulting in my postings not always being entirely secure, so this is another reason why I think it's a good time to call it a day. My blogs were always intended for a private audience, mainly amongst my 'Facebook Friends' and not to be shared globally.
I'm sure I will continue to write in some form or other in the future, but for now I'm calling it a day.

In a few months time I'll be turning 45.
The years may have been unkind at times, but they've been kind enough too.
When I look at myself in the mirror every morning, I can see a weary man with the world behind my eyes, and every line on my face bears a scar of a place or a memory...some bitter, some sweet.
I've made many mistakes in my life, harsh lessons that I carry with me, and I understand that present happiness is no guarantee of future joy, but it is my greatest hope. I remain inspired to strive to work for a better tomorrow...for all of my nearest and dearest, as well as for myself.

I would like to close with sincere thanks to all my avid readers over the past few years, especially to three precious ladies who've always been there for me: Elona, Trace & the TWL in NZ (pictured below).
They may no longer be geographically close to me, but they forever live in my heart, and I value their love, support and friendship unconditionally.

♥"You don't need to understand love,
   You just need to express it..."♥

Finally, the Cancer Research UK campaign is still active, although I'm no longer aggressively promoting it.
Any further donations are always welcome via the link below, and I wish my sweet ex-girlfriend well in her ongoing fight ~ she may not have much time left, but I know she's a gutsy survivor!
My heart goes out to her and to all of the other brave souls in their own personal battles with cancer.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

Signing off with much love to you all.
Until next time (whenever that may be), be safe & take care.

(ex)-Ramblin' Steve

Walking The Line

"As I stroll along the road to freedom
 Like a gyspy in a gilded cage
 My horizons have not always been bright
 But that's the way that dreams are made..."

It seems entirely appropriate to use a reference to the late, great Johnny Cash, in regards to the title, the picture, and the opening words, when the subject matter of my latest blog is taken into consideration.
Like the 'I Walk The Line' song lyrics, which tries to differentiate between right and wrong, good and bad, I too continually strive to stay on the correct side of the line, as previously mentioned in other recent blogs.
The 'walking' analogy also perfect ties in with my own recent 'South Downs Way' exploits, as does the 'gypsy' line when you put my own journey over the past thirteen years into some sort of perspective.
However, it finally feels like I've found my home and my 'gypsy' days are hopefully a thing of the past...as my dear friend, Elona quite distinctly put it, "Nomad Steve is no more"!

In more recent times my journey has been fraught with problems, but fortunately ones which have been overcome. I take great comfort from the fact that three years ago I was effectively homeless, stranded in Scotland (Edinburgh Infirmary no less!), but here I am today, on the verge of moving into a new apartment of my own.

I often joke and refer to myself as Mr.Minimalistic...but it's true!
And when I move in a months time this will proved once again.
The apartment that I will be living in was viewed again recently, and it looked even better the second time around. I've really fallen on my feet too, as I don't require anything. Everything is provided within the apartment: furniture, crockery, cutlery, plates, cups and glasses, TV, toaster, kettle, iron, ironing board, microwave...even all the towels and bedding! And the rent is all inclusive, so no hidden bills ~ the TV license, council tax, electric, gas and water are all part of the deal...and what a deal it is!
So all I'll be bringing with me is a few personal possessions including just a few books, cd's and dvd's.

It's strange to some who expect me to possess a vast cd/vinyl collection after working in a music store for eight years, but amazingly I only keep a few favourites. Amongst others, I have some mellow late 50's/early 60's Miles Davis (Kind of Blue period), some soulful spiritual stuff like Marvin Gaye (What's Going On), and of course the customary progressive rock classics, of which Marillion's 'Happiness Is The Road' always proves very poignant when it's all about living in the 'now', as well as it's travel references.
Travelling is also relative to my choice of books, as this remains close to my heart and always will...the Lonely Planet's New Zealand 'bible' is never far away, so I can recall happy times shared with lovely people in wonderous places such as Christchurch, Queenstown, Wanaka, Te Anau, and Nelson, whilst I was out on the road and living in my camper van...'Happiness Is The Road' indeed!
It's been over three years since my last trip to NZ...but I still miss ya TWL♥

Other than that my other books include the aforementioned autobiography of Johnny Cash, as well other biographies of people who've triumphed over adversity, such as Lance Armstrong's, 'It's Not About The Bike...My Journey Back To Life'. The only fiction I possess is 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho.
As for my dvd's these are very few and far between: 'The Shawshank Redemption', a continual source of hope and inspiration, 'Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand' for obvious reasons, and the complete collection of the TV comedy 'Porridge' ~ constantly viewed to remind me that laughter is priceless and that we can all gain 'little victories' in life!

I use all of the above when I'm need of some inspiration. I think of them as trail guides to use on my voyage of discovery, and the deeper I go into them, the more I find to ponder, and then they themselves become an endless absorbing journey, rich beyond my most ambitious imagining.

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer..."

In closing, just prior to drafting this blog I was listening to the Johnny Cash cd given to me as a gift a few years ago by my close friend, Trace ~ and this helped me to conjure up some of my thoughts which I've expressed here, especially listening to 'I've Been Everywhere' and the iconic 'Hurt'...I wonder if she still listens to the 'Artful Dodger' cd I bought her to replace her previously lost copy?

"If I could start again a million miles away,
 I would keep myself, I would find a way..."

Well, I am starting again, by myself...but I'm not a million miles away anymore.

Ramblin' Steve

Peace, Hope & Happiness

"Look around you, feel the soul inside you.
 Look inside you, feel the life course through you.
 The life that's giving in every thing that's living..."

It's been nearly four years since I quit my job at the time, walked away from everything and embarked on an exhaustive journey...little did I know then how life would evolve.
After the encouragement of my close friend Elona, I returned to writing and posted my first blog in November 2010. Now here I am, nearly two years further on after finally accomplishing my goal that I laid out then...which was part of the original journey to find my spiritual home.

I now find myself in a very good place...literally!
After all the trials and tribulations experienced over the years, I can happily confirm that everything appears to be falling into place.
Thanks to the lovely testaments from both Elona and Giverny, the owners of the pretty little apartment in Summersdale, Chichester have accepted my references and my tenancy application, and I will shortly be handing over my security deposit. Then one month later I will be moving in!

So to say that I'm finally in a good place is a bit of an under-statement!
I have a job that I enjoy; I work with some great colleagues; I now have secured a home of my own; I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends; I've re-discovered a social life thanks to my Friday night drinking buddies; I've re-united myself with my family (thanks for the push, Jo); I've re-aquainted myself with some great pals from back in my school days; I've recalled with much fun and laughter precious memories with special ladies such as Trace and the TWL; and I've recently contacted the much loved Our Price crowd from my past...looking forward to catching up with you at some stage Miss Walton!
My head, heart, spirit and soul are all at peace, so whilst I may not own many materialistic possessions, I do understand and appreciate that there's more to life than money ~ poor in life, rich in love: that's me!

"put your arms around my soul, and take it dancing..."

Between now and August 18th, I'll be biding my time whilst watching the pennies as effectively I'm paying rent on two properties for this period when you take the required deposit into consideration. But it's a small price to pay when the reward is to beome independent once again. I find myself continually smiling (hence the Paulo Coelho picture accompanying this blog), and pinching myself almost as if I'm not deserving of this fantastic opportunity...although without being too modest or sounding too arrogant, I do feel that I'm entitled to a lucky break. I will always strive to remain a humble, dignified man as part of the 'better person' regime I've undertaken, and I'll continue to be an optimistic hopeless romantic, with a 'glass-half-full, not glass-half-empty' attitude to life.

"A state of mind is a contagious thing.
 Spread it around ~ you never know what the future brings..."

PS ~ don't worry TWL...part of my heart and soul will forever remain in New Zealand ♥

Ramblin' Steve

Drunks, Fools & Angels

"Legends and lies, fools and drunks, old friends and angels..."

No, it's not another summary of one of my typical blogs!
Nor is it a reference to my two drinking buddies in the photo which accompanies this blog!
It is in fact a quote at the start of a chapter in the autobiography of Johnny Cash...although I guess it does fit quite comfortably into my lifestory so far!

The two lads in the photo, Chappers & Tom are moving into their new shared flat later this week, so good luck to both of them (they're gonna need it! Lol), and then hopefully six weeks later I'll be doing the same.
I've had a few discussions with the owner and the references are currently being processed, so fingers crossed I'll be moving in on Saturday August 18th...with the help of my transport manager, Giverny!
Between now and then, me and the lads are having to watch the pennies so there won't be any crazy drunks let loose around Chichester for the forseeable future!
Tom often refers to me as a 'raconteur'; the teller of tall stories; the stuff of legends...but that's not true. It's just a case that I'm considerably older than the pair of them, so I've got a few more things to recall. In keeping with the opening statement, I would definitely say that I am no legend, nor do I tell any lies...although we're all prone to exaggerate on occassion which maybe makes any story told a little more memorable? Similarly, with every repeat of the same story the tale seems to grow in myth and legend.

Well, I think that covers the legends and lies, as well as the fools and drunks, now what about the old friends and angels?
Any reader of my blogs knows that I regularly refer to old friends, and I'll continue to do so...especially those who I only rarely visit due to distance, location and logistics ~ they may be out of touch, but they aren't out of mind: Elona, Trace, the TWL, Ruth & Glenn, Denn & Jimi, and my good mate Martin.

"everyone I love lives somewhere else..."

Recently an old friend, ex-work colleague, and undoubtably an angel got in touch out-of-the-blue.
Due to a mutual facebook friend (thanks Ange) I stumbled upon said angel, Sarah Walton.
I can't believe that twenty years have passed since we last worked together, but I was pleased to hear that she is doing so well, now that she has returned to the UK with her daughter after living for ten years in Oz.
I often talk about living in the 'now' and not dwelling on the past, but I believe it's important to remember the good things that have previously happened in your life, it's the bad experiences which you shouldn't linger on...Sarah Walton, Greg, Nikki, Ant, Chris, and Sarah Roberts (now Barnes) were all old friends who happened to share a love of music and we had plenty of laughs along the way at Our Price over the many years we worked together...thanks guys & gals for the memories!

Ramblin' Steve

The End Of The Road

"Nothing but a child could wash those tears away
 or guide a weary world into the light of day
 and nothing but a child could help erase those miles
 so once again we all can be children for a while..."

~ For all the brave souls & their children who fight the good fight...

 Just a short blog to update and conclude events surrounding the charity campaign which I organised in aid of Cancer Research UK.

It's now been over two months since Curph, Chappers, Oakers and myself completed the 100 miles (plus?) trek along The South Downs Way from Winchester to Eastbourne.
Unbelievably, we managed to raise the incredible sum of £3,450.00 - not bad considering that when I originally schemed up the campaign I hoped to raise just a few quid!

Although all of the sponsorship pages remain open (please see my link below), we don't envisage any further donations, so this is indeed 'The End Of The Road'.

http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

I've previously written a full account of the experience of this trek, as well as explaining the personal reasons why, so there's nothing else really to add now other than I guess it's time to put the campaign to bed and move on towards the next challenge...whatever that might be?

Thanks once again for all of your continual support, which has been greatly appreciated.
Special thanks goes to the lads, as I couldn't have completed the trek without them.
To Leah & Carrie (Curph's & Oaker's wives respectively) for promoting their husbands donations on their Facebook wall.
Also to Toni Hillier at Mercer for her unconditional support in navigating around the company politics, rules and procedures!
Sally Huggins at Cancer Research UK definitely deserves a mention for all of the promotional material that she supplied, as well as her help and advice.
Finally, there are so many close friends and work colleagues that I'd like to thank, which would need another blog entirely to list you all...but for personal reasons I would like to single out the following:
Elona, Trace, Jo, Nicky, Giverny, Jane, all my Friday night drinking buddies, Angela in the UK, and of course Angela in NZ.

Ramblin' Steve

Crisis Of Conscience

"And the only sign of life is the ticking of the pen,
 introducing characters to memories like old friends,
 frantic as a cardiograph scratching out the lines
 a fever of confession, a catalogue of crime..."

I currently find myself with an element of doubt; a crisis of conscience.
I'm continually striving to become a better person, and a better man, but recent developments has caused me to question my intentions and motives. The one good thing about being single is that it gives you time to think, although this can be counter-productive as sometimes you can overdo the thinking, or second-guess everything that is going on around you...especially when it effects your thoughts concerning the special people in your life.

Fingers crossed, I'm all set to be moving into my new home as previously stated. The owner has come back to me confirming that she's in agreement with the financial side of things, it's just a case of her sorting out my references ~ she even kindly said that I could move in earlier than planned to make it easier for me, by allowing me to move in the weekend before my 'official' moving in date!
It will also be a wrench to leave my existing home, shared with my flat mate Josie (pictured), but she recognises that this is too good an opportunity to pass up, and in her own words, " it's a lush flat!"

A big part of moving into my new home was to commence a regime of change, and to allow me to make a fresh start (again!). Although I received some lovely comments from close friends saying that there was no need to change my ways (thanks again Trace, Jane, and The TWL!), I still feel the need to maybe isolate myself a little and return to a hermit like existence, even if it's just for a short while to regain a certain sanity and sense of perspective.

I recently enjoyed a lovely lunch with a very dear friend (thanks Elona), and this made me think even more about this...Elona is one of many female friends I have in my life, just like the three mentioned above, who mean the world to me as friends. On top of that I have other female friends at work who I regularly socialise with, or innocently take out to lunch, and they are all individuals who I genuinely care about as I value their friendship and enjoy their company.

But what is it about the fact that they are so comfortable with me?
I take it as a compliment for sure, and it's great that they can feel so comfortable in my presence, as they are all either married or have boyfriends in their lives. Take a look at my Facebook friends and you'll see the ladies outnumber the fella's about five-to-one!
But, why is it that I get on so well with women yet I remain single?
All of these ladies seem to appreciate me...although I'm never really sure why!
It's definitely not my charm and good looks!
Hopefully it's all because I'm a good listener, and they know that I'm an honest guy.
Hopefully they also know that they can trust me, confide in me if neccesary, and they know that I fully respect them as I'd never cross the line by forgetting that they are in relationships.

And this is where the crisis of conscience kicks-in!
What if I'm wrong?
There have been a couple of recent incidents where the 'boundaries' had to be re-established.
Maybe I'm over-thinking the issue, and I should just be quietly grateful as I'm a very lucky fella!
Maybe it's because I'm in touch with my feminine side?
Or maybe it's just that I can't resist a pretty face?
But in all seriousness, I really appreciate all of their friendships and I'd never intentionally do anything to betray their trust in me.

For the forseeable future I intend to return to my batchelor ways, live in my batchelor pad, and enjoy a rather simplistic way of life ~ I may well have been guilty of being too kind and generous in the past, so maybe it's time to be a little selfish and put myself first for a change...but as anyone who knows me well can testify, this isn't a natural process for me! Also it must be added...I have no regrets about my past acts of generosity as I know that I've made a difference to some very special ladies in my life.

Obviously I have many male friends too, who I can always count on when needed, and we can go out for a pint and enjoy a laugh, but I think it simply comes down to the following observation I once heard when comparing the differences in the sexes:

"Woman get together to share and talk about their problems;
 Men get together to get away and forget about theirs..."

Enough said...so where does that leave me?
All answers gratefully received and appreciated...especially from the ladies! Lol.

Ramblin' Steve

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

"the wrong side of a lifetime's wishful thinking,
 drove me here to pills and ale,
 come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."

Whilst I'm awaiting hopeful confirmation of the news that I've been successful in securing the lease on that lovely flat in Summersdale, Chichester (pictured), I've found myself taking stock on events over the past four years ~ the period covered since I previously lived in a place on my own..
I can honestly say that I haven't felt so excited about something for such a very long time...probably not since I toured New Zealand's South Island in a campervan and met the lovely TWL!
But at the same time...until I receive definite news I'm trying to keep a lid on my excitement and not take anything for granted. This is why I also find myself trying to keep busy and not think too much about the apartment, and why I've returned to writing my blogs far more regularly than I had originally intended.

It's been a troublesome four years, with many ups and downs...but I've lived to tell the tale I'm pleased to say despite all of these trials and tribulations. During this rather fraught period I have lived through the following, which I believe are in chronological order...although at my age I am prone to suffer the occassional temporary memory loss which may also include glossing over certain events:

*I lived my life-long dream by finally visiting the wonderful New Zealand.
*I gave up a luxurious apartment in Cheltenham and relocated to Berkshire to live with a friend.
*I was threatened with court action over a long-protracted dispute with my bank.
*I returned to New Zealand for a second time, and I also met the aforementioned TWL.
*I met a lovely lady back in Berkshire who I thought would give me a happy future.
*I was forced out of my friend's home once I had served my purposes, as I was no longer required.
*I lost the plot, went AWOL in Scotland and ended up in Edinburgh Infirmary after a bad experience involving an ill-advised cocktail of alcohol and sleeping pills.
*I lost my job, my home...everything, and had to start from scratch with absolutely nothing to my name.
*I was nursed back to full health under the watchful care of some fantastic people.
*I returned to my hometown and became re-united with my family.
*I became officially unemployed for the first time ever in my life.
*I was lucky to have such a great friend as Elona, who helped me regain all my identification papers.
*I dug in my heels, refusing to give in to the bank, and referred the matter to The Financial Ombudsman.
*I found a job and a temporary place to live, as I began to pick up the pieces of my life.
*I made some great new friends with my work colleagues, and re-invented a social life.
*I moved into a flat share with my dear friends Josie & Glen.
*I became seriously ill with internal scarring in my chest, throat and stomach, requiring a biopsy.
*I was shocked to hear that my girlfriend had contracted terminal cancer.
*I learned that my friend had tragically commited suicide, and despite all that had happened and how I'd been treated by her, I found myself feeling terribly guilty as if maybe I could have done something to help.
*I was told by my girlfriend to live the rest of my life without her...I initially refused of course!
*I successfully arranged a repayment plan to sort out my debts and reconcile the dispute with my bank.
*I reluctantly respected my girlfriend's wishes and said my goodbye's with a broken heart.
*I revisited my old home in Bath, and shared some very precious memories with someone special.
*I admitted defeat in my plans to return to NZ for a third time...but one day it'll happen!
*I organised a charity campaign to raise funds for Cancer Research UK in recognition of my now ex-girlfriend, by walking the entire length of The South Downs Way, and with it found some form of personal redemption, and finally...
*I suprisingly stumbled upon an affordable, yet luxurious batchelor's pad which fingers crossed will be my home for many years to come?

And that's just a brief summary of all the ups and downs these past four years.
There are many other experiences that have shaped the life and times of this 'Ramblin' Man' during this period which I have failed to mention, but wouldn't want to bore you with...let's just say that I believe I've finally layed some ghosts to rest!
But two things become apparant when reviewing these experiences however...women, and how alcohol effects my outlook on life, which is why I've decided upon two consequential decisions:

1. I intend to remain an eligible batchelor - women, romance & me just don't mix.
2. I intend to minimise my alcohol intake - ale, spirits & me also don't mix.

Whether or not I'm succesful in achieving these two aims remains to be seen, but I have previously stated my intention of becoming a better person, so hopefully these changes will help.
In the meantime I will continue to strive to be a good man, with a kind soul, a big heart, an upbeat spirit, and a humble character.
When I wrote my earlier blog, 'A Better Me...Or Wishful Thinking?' I received three lovely supportive comments from Trace, Jane, and the TWL ~ at least this proves I'm on the right track, so a big thanks goes to these three in particular, as well as all my other wonderful friends, family and blogger readers♥

After all the various setbacks encountered along the way, at least it now looks like my four year journey may end on a positive note, as I hope to rediscover my independence and find some inner peace.
My struggle with finding a happy balance between a complex state of mind and a simplistic way of life may well continue, but I strongly believe that the light is at the end of the tunnel.

"I have seen this face a thousand times, every morning of my life,
 but I never saw these eyes so clear, free of doubt and pain,
 like the whole world has been made again.

 I have been here many times before in a life I used to live..."

PS ~ stay strong & positive, Kasia...be happy & enjoy life♥

Ramblin' Steve